The headlines roared about the closing of a major plant and as a result, more than 3,500 people would be out of a job. The spokesperson for the company said, “The skill sets of those impacted do not line up with the long-term trajectory of the business”. What has this got to do with being a husband?

After that, another expert commented on the situation. His take was: change or die.

As a result of the announcement, it got me thinking. We focus so much on our lives to develop skills to get a job. What about the skill set to be a husband and a father? Does a school even exist to teach us? Our very social fabric depends on this. Wives eventually lay us off in the form of divorce. Kids downsize us by not wanting to spend time with us.

Men are natural boneheads. We are fixers, insensitive, visual, and selfish. These inherent qualities do not help us in the role of a husband.

When I first got married, I thought I had arrived in heaven. All my problems are resolved. Marriage is a very expensive place to find out who you are. The spouse is like a mirror. The weaknesses magnify. It is a relationship where you learn by trial and error. You learn as you move along.

Some have a false idea that if they marry someone who practices a certain faith or same ethnic background, it will be different. However, all statistics point in the other direction. Study after study shows that it is no different.

Fatherhood has its joys and its challenges. In a marriage, you change from focusing on you to us. The equation changes with children. The shift in family dynamics brings its own ups and downs.

When I come home tired, I just want to switch the TV, eat and just chill. Jean wants me to play. She wants me to listen to how her day went. She wants me to comment on her paintings. Debbie just laughs all along. Most times, it is fun. Sometimes it is all about self-denial.

Change or die rang in my ears. Modern men have to develop a whole set of soft skills. For instance, listening, patience, kindness, gentleness, communicating, cooking, helping with chores, and changing diapers. For those with strong patriarchal backgrounds giving her importance and equality is important.

Here are some important skills to develop to be a husband:

• Show appreciation
• Listen
• Do not interrupt
• Do not flirt
• Have boundaries
• Be intentional
• Make your marriage a priority
• Watch your tongue
• Validate her emotions
• Be aware of your body language
• Be disciplined
• Say ‘I love you’ daily
• Be open to change
• Be kind and compassionate
• Support her dreams
• Character, character character
• And finally, remember what Nathaniel Bonner said ‘No amount of success is worth personal failure at home’.

End of the day, both roles have made me a better human being. It has made me a balanced person. It has changed my view on life. Jean in all her innocence says I have to become a better listener. She is only 17 years old. I have a long way to go. Children just speak the truth.

The post Ten Skills Required to be a Successful Husband appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

February strolls in wearing red velvet and carrying a quiver. Every storefront blushes, chocolate goes missing, and even the air feels like it’s humming a love song. It is the month where Cupid clocks in overtime and restaurants suddenly require reservations made in November.

But here’s the twist. Romance is not reserved for the freshly infatuated or the perfectly filtered. Whether you have been married for three decades, dating for three weeks, or simply celebrating friendship, February is an invitation. An invitation to step out, try something new, taste a different cuisine, wander into an unfamiliar neighborhood, sit side by side at a drive in theatre, or just clink glasses and say, “I choose you again.”

Dates do not need fireworks. They need intention. They need presence. They need two people willing to lean in.

That is why I sat down with Steve and Lauretta, a couple who have been married for more than thirty years and still laugh like co conspirators. They have weathered miscarriages, career shifts, family tensions, the loss of parents, and the ordinary chaos of raising children. And yet, what stands out most is not grand gestures or cinematic declarations. It is brownies delivered warm. It is long walks instead of harsh words. It is Friday nights with wine and television after a week apart. It is the kind of love that chooses encouragement over ego.

This conversation is not about fairy tales. It is about romance in real life. The kind that grows up, settles in, gets tested, laughs loudly, and stays.

So grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, and join us as we talk about marriage, romance, reality, and why sometimes the best love story is the one that keeps unfolding quietly, year after year.

is the month of romance, love, and playing Cupid.

No matter what your relationship status, you need to go on a date. Take your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or just a friend on a date. It should be exciting, fun, creative and both parties need to find it pleasurable. Try different things and activities to boost the relationship or your romance.

Go to a new destination, a different restaurant, different cuisine, or a drive-in theatre. Make it exciting.

I talk to Steve and Lauretta who have been married for more than 30 yrs about their marriage and romance.

Steve and Lauretta, February is the romantic month. Let’s talk about marriage, romance, and reality. Welcome to my blog and tell us something important about you?

S&L: We have been happily married for 30 years and have 2 great adult children. One unique thing about us is that we got married on my (Steve’s) birthday.

Wow!!! The best gift of your life. When did you know Steve,  that Lauretta was the one for you? Same with you Lauretta?

S: I don’t remember a specific moment.  But I remember a series of events such as Lauretta bringing me brownies one night (they were warm) and being pulled aside and asked by friends, “What are you waiting for?”

L:  I don’t think I ever really had that thought.  I was in love with and enjoying the euphoria of it.  I had finished my master’s degree and was ready for a new chapter.

How romantic. I am sure dating was just fine with no problems and everything was smooth…what were the challenges?

L:  We dated a very short time (3.5 months of dating and then 3.5 months of engagement).  We didn’t face a lot of challenges with the exception of putting together a wedding quickly and the fact that my family was not impressed with my decision to get married. In hindsight, I would have made more of an effort for them to get to know Steve.  They only met him once before we got engaged.

S: The reactions of my family and Lauretta’s family were completely different.  My family loved Lauretta from the first time they met her and they always said, “She’s the best one you’ve brought home so far.  When are you going to marry her?”

The reaction from Lauretta’s family was not one of complete joy, to say the least.  But, they are awfully happy with the way that things have turned out.

Marriage changes you forever. How have both of you changed over the years?

S: I have become a lot more sensitive to Lauretta’s needs.  I always thought of myself as a “macho” guy.  I remember thinking that I wanted our first child to be a boy, but the moment that I saw my daughter, I realized that I got both what I wanted and needed.

L:  I have changed a lot, I think mostly for the better.  I am much more confident, less emotional (thank you menopause).  I’ve come to realize that dramatic changes can occur at any time so it’s best to just work with whatever situations you’re currently dealing with and not stress about what’s around the corner.

Marriage has its ups and downs. However, we have to make it through. Help me understand that in your situation?

S:  Our first two pregnancies were not successful which took an emotional toll.  Fortunately, we had a lot of emotional and physical support from both our families as several members had experienced similar situations.  Also, there have been unexpected changes in employment.  But through it all, we have remained both faithful to and supportive of each other.

L:  I think we have an image of what we expect our marriages, lives, and children to be, and when the reality is different from that expectation it can be jarring. In addition to miscarriages we’ve dealt with the loss of employment, we’ve both lost our fathers and although our children are amazing people, their struggles have definitely impacted our marriage. But as we’ve gone through scary and difficult experiences and come out the other side still intact, we’ve realized that we are stronger than we thought. We can remind ourselves of that fact when we face the inevitable next challenge.

Give the younger generation some tips on how to be a good husband/wife and mother/father?

L:  I’d say that when you know a person so intimately you have the power to build them up or destroy them with even with a few words.  Try to find ways to always recognize and comment on the things that impress you about your partner.  Anyone who knows Steve knows that he always brags about me.  I tease him that I can never meet these people because there is no way that in real life, I can ever live up the picture he has painted of me. It’s also very important in those moments of anger to be aware of that power you hold and protect your partner. Steve knows that when I’m really angry I will go for very extensive walks.  I won’t risk saying things that I can’t take back.  I also would say that you don’t have to talk through every single argument.  Sometimes it’s OK just to drop it.  No harm, no foul.

S:  Yes, I have to agree with “The Babe”.  I was fortunate in that I had a great role model in my dad.  My dad ALWAYS treated my mom like gold.  He never insulted her or put her down.  He was always encouraging to her in everything thing that she did.  He, along with the rest of us, reaped the benefits of this.  In summary, always encourage and look for ways to build up your partner, kids, or whoever else you are with.  You will reap the benefits.

Romance needs to be kept alive in a marriage…..explain (this is a family blog)?

L:  I’m not really that romantic and I find the typical clichés of romantic gestures annoying.  For me, I don’t need grand displays.  I need the little day-to-day assurances that he cares. Last week I locked my keys in the car and when I called him, he laughed and showed up in the parking lot with a big smile on his face.  This is way better than flowers.  I just really enjoy spending time with him.  Right now, Steve is working on a contract out of town during the week.  When he comes home on Friday night we just sit with some wine and the TV and enjoy each other’s company. I look forward to that.

S:  “The Babe” and I think the same way about this.  To me, it is the little “day-to-day” things that we do.  It is the daily encouragement and the ability to laugh both with and at each other.  Nothing brings me more joy than to hear her happy voice and see her smiling face on a daily basis.

I am sure you never argue, never fight, and just have this amazing perfect marriage?

S:  So true.  Next question, please.

L:  I completely agree. Since Steve knows I’m always right there is nothing to argue about.

S:  Whoa!!  What planet do you live on?

L:  The planet where I am a scientist.  I always base my decisions on fact, leaving little room for error.

S:  Ahh, so you admit that you make errors, mistakes, blunders, miscalculations!  Are you saying that at times, you are inaccurate?  Is this what you are admitting to?

L:  I admit nothing and am going for a long walk now.

S:  Ooops.  (Laughing).

Anything you want to say to your younger selves?

S:  I would remind myself of my 2^nd favorite song of all time, “Always Look on The Bright Side of Life”.  There is a line the goes:

If life seems jolly rotten

There’s something you have forgotten,

And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing

I would tell myself that no matter how bad things are, you will probably look back later and laugh as time passes.

L:  I would say “Lighten up, girl.”  You will mess up and fail a lot.  These are not dead ends, just inevitable inconveniences of being human.  Relax a little, enjoy the successes and brush off the failures.

Who is the more romantic, humbler, more gentle, kind, and passionate?

S: (Laughing) Hands down for all of the above, I win them all.  Again, we are both laughing together about this one.

L: Great.  Now I have to say something so that I don’t sound like a jerk.  Steve absolutely is more romantic, humble, gentle and passionate.  I just bring different things to the table.  I am driven, practical, offer creative solutions and take care of the mundane labour essential for daily life.  I definitely am lacking in the more glamourous attributes but I get the job done.

What are some good restaurants in Newmarket?

The Keg for the best steak and The Crow’s Nest for the best nachos in town.  We go to The Keg every year for our anniversary and to The Crow’s Nest every Canada Day.  These have both become traditions for us.

Tell me something funny that has happened in your marriage?

L:  For someone who is not romantic I tend to watch a lot of romcoms.  One day I was thinking about the repetitive use of the word “soul mate.”  I remember thinking to myself that Steve is not my soul mate and I wouldn’t want one anyway.  Sounds very clingy and needy.  It occurred to me, however, that Steve might consider me his soul mate.  So one night I decided to table the question.  “Do you think I’m your soul mate?”  He paused briefly, looked me in the eyes, and said, “No.”  I let out a huge sigh of relief.  He felt exactly the same way as I did.  Now it’s a running joke between us.  “Oh, is it OK if I leave?  Can you bear to be left alone without your soulmate for 2 hours?”  To which the other will reply “EW.”

S:  LOL, Whenever I think of someone being a “Soul Mate”, it creeps me out.

“The Babe” and I laugh a lot in our marriage.

The post Marriage and Laughter: Steve & “The Babe” appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I have known Jessica and Gary Powell for 15 years. Jessica got married at 19. I was in my first-year university. Gary Powell moved to Vancouver to do a master’s degree. I catch up with them and ask them about their marriage, dating, relationship, and advice on love. Jessica finished the questionnaire early. Gary Powell needed some prodding and he completed it. I would strongly recommend that you read this interview a couple of times. There are so many nuggets in there that can help you deal with dating, love, relationships, and marriage.

Gary and Jessica welcome to my blog and tell us something important about you?

Jessica – Hi! Thanks for having us! Let’s see, what is something important about us? I guess I would start with what’s most important to us and that is living fully surrendered lives to Jesus. Of course, we often miss the mark on that, but in every aspect of our lives, that is our primary goal. We’ve been married 15 (almost 16 now!) years, have three children, and have lived near Vancouver for the last 2.5 years. Before that, we lived in the Toronto area where both Gary and I had grown up.

Gary – Thanks, Jerry! I’d echo those thoughts from Jess. We are living as believers of Jesus as Lord overall—and doing that together as a family of five now with our three kids. We both shared that deep sense of faith as individuals, which I think helped a lot as we got started into our relationship years ago.

When did you know Gary that Jessica was the one for you? same with you Jessica?

Gary – It took me a while. I had dated a few people in my High School years, and while I knew who Jessica was, I didn’t see her in that way at first. After working together at our local Dairy Queen and getting to know her we began to date. But that’s where the interesting part of this answer comes in: I broke up with Jessica twice in our dating years because I wasn’t sure! I think when I was pursuing her again the third time, I finally realized that there was something different going on here.

Jessica – It’s actually hard to say when exactly I knew, but it was a lot sooner than Gary did, that’s for sure! We were so young when we met—I was only 14—that my first feelings of “he’s the one” can really only be described as a crush. But it was a crush that never went away and just continued to grow until I knew I wanted to live my life with him. I then made the decision to make Gary my “one” for the rest of our lives when I married him—I was 19 and he was 21.

I am sure dating was just fine with no problems and everything was smooth…what were the challenges?

Jessica – Oh goodness, where do we even start? There were so many challenges! The biggest challenge, honestly, was how young we were. No matter how mature you are for your age, there’s just no way around the fact that experience requires time and when you’re in high school, you haven’t lived through very much time yet. Both of us were still figuring out who we were, what we wanted, and how our relationship fit in with all that. As Gary already mentioned, in the two years we dated before getting engaged, we even broke up twice before finally deciding to stay together for good!

Gary – Yeah, I suppose there were some challenges, weren’t there!? As Jess mentioned, our age was a big factor. For me, though, it was more navigating the big feelings from previous romantic relationships. I wanted to focus solely on Jessica and pretend the other relationships didn’t really matter (that they were somehow less important, so I could move on). Let’s just say ignorance is not bliss and suppressing hurt feelings doesn’t bode well for your current relationship!

Marriage changes you forever. How have both of you changed over the years?

Gary – Jessica’s sense of humor has definitely improved since marrying me! But on a more serious note, I’ve been forced to deal with myself and wrestle with my own issues since being married. When you’re by yourself, you can hide and keep pushing things down. It’s not as easy when you’re married. I’m grateful that Jessica hasn’t put up with mediocrity in me and yet is simultaneously committed to staying with me no matter what. I have definitely grown in my capacity and confidence as a human being because of her consistent love and encouragement.

Jessica – This is one of my favorite things about marriage; it’s such an intense version of Proverbs 27:17: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” It’s not necessarily always a pleasant experience, but both of us would attest to the fact that marriage has often brought out the worst in us, which is a good thing because then it’s out in the open where we (or more accurately, God!) can deal with it. Of course, we both have to be willing to actually let God deal with it, otherwise, we’re just living with our worst making a mess all around us!

Selfishness, anger, bitterness, lack of faith, impatience, pride—these are just some of the things that marriage (and parenting) have unearthed in my own heart and although I’ve come a long way since we were first married, I’m still always amazed at how many layers there still seem to be!

Gary – Wow, you really have issues, don’t you ;).

Marriage has its ups and downs. However, we have to make it through. Help me understand that in your situation?

Gary – Hmm, I actually think we need to acknowledge that in our society today we don’t have to make it through. It’s so easy to just give up and move on, trading in this relationship for a new one. When we were married, we actually had friends and family giving odds on how many years we would last! (I think it was four…we beat the odds!) I say all that because when we decided to get married, we did it with the caveat that divorce wasn’t an option. While we didn’t know the specific challenges we would face, we knew if there was an “out” we would be more likely to take it. So as best we could, we attempted to remove the potential of the “out” and face the reality of the challenge head-on. Scary, yes. Helpful in the midst of relational storms, definitely!

Jessica – It’s true, marriage can be really difficult! Two separate individuals are never going to agree on everything. Additionally, being in such an intimate relationship automatically increases the level of vulnerability and sensitivity we have with each other, so there is significantly more risk of hurting one another. We’ve had to get really good at both forgiving—pressing the “reset” button—and at having the humility to say “I’m sorry.” That second one is actually the worst for me. I despise being wrong and I hate admitting it even more! However, we know if we don’t actively practice both confession and forgiveness, resentment will capture our hearts and kill our marriage and family.

Give the younger generation some tips on how to be a good husband/wife and mother/father?

Jessica – Keep your heart soft and open to God. Seriously, that is 100% the most important requirement for being a good spouse/parent. Not only will this keep you in a position to be continually transformed by Him—something that enables you to reflect Him and His love towards your family—it also serves as the primary motivation behind how you serve your spouse and family. Your spouse will let you down. Your kids will drive you crazy. There will be times when you honestly don’t feel like they deserve your love. God, on the other hand, is always worthy of our love and obedience, and therefore, we can serve our families for His sake even when we don’t feel like doing it for their sake.

In addition to this, you have to surround yourself with a good community. Yes, it’s important to be careful and respectful in how you talk about your spouse with others, but there are always going to be times when you actually need to vent or talk out an issue with someone else. Find the people who will be on the side of your marriage, not those who will just take your side. Keep people around who will listen, give godly advice, pray for you and with you, and who will give you a kick in the right direction in those times when you really need it.

Gary – Yes and yes to Jessica’s points above. I’m not always the peachiest person to live with (right, Jess?) and Jessica’s dedication to obey God by loving me, combined with the support of the community, has definitely been a blessing. I would add a few more. The advice was given to me to “shut up and hug” is generally quite effective. If the conversation is simply an emotional expression and doesn’t need words in response, a hug goes a long way.

As both a spouse and a parent, I also recommend the use of parking lots (or another quiet space) on the way home from work. Take five minutes (and not more) to pull off and transition your mind from work life to home life before you get home. As a parent, be careful with your tone. And one more as a spouse: make the bed. I can think of no other action that takes so little effort and yet has such a great return on investment!

Romance needs to be kept alive in a marriage…. explain (this is a family blog)?

Jessica – Yes, it does! The problem is, we tend to associate romance with very specific actions, activities, and feelings (especially the fluttery, giddy feelings we get at the beginning of the relationship!). Romance, however, is about excitement and mystery, and even though we may think marriage kills mystery (a thought that usually arrives the first time one of you decides closing the bathroom door is optional), it actually deepens it. Early in our relationship, it was just exciting that he wanted to get to know me. Now I find myself often filled with excitement and awe at the fact that he already knows so much about me and yet still loves me and loves being with me!

Because of this, I have found all the little things Gary does to show his love have taken on an increasingly deeper meaning as the years go by. The way he seeks me out as soon as he gets home from work, sends me smiles across the room when we’re out at a gathering, or takes great delight in giving me an unexpected gift—he is constantly reminding me that I am loved and cherished, and it feels so much more romantic than any date we had before we were married.

Gary – Yes. I think when it comes to romance, we need to remember that healthy, loving relationships get better over time, not worse. When we were first married (and even dating) our romance was new and exciting, but also kind of awkward. Now it’s a lot smoother and our playful banter back-and-forth is much more satisfying as well because we know each other well. The same thing goes for physical intimacy. The more we get to know each other, the better things have become. I guess in response to your statement though, I would agree and say to keep pursuing your spouse. Make them the first person you “go-to”, find, share things with, etc. The investment is well worth it.

I am sure you never argue, never fight, and just have this amazing perfect marriage. 

Jessica – Uh, no. We argue often and we most certainly do not have a perfect marriage! But I’m really glad we argue. We’re different people and have different thoughts, opinions, and ways of looking at the world, so of course, we will disagree sometimes! To have a marriage without arguments would mean we were living in denial and without any real intimacy between us.

It does matter how we argue, though, and we have learned a lot about how to talk through our disagreements. Most of the time now we’re able to come to a consensus fairly quickly, but there are, of course, some arguments that take longer than others! The ones that occur late at night are often the most difficult because, just like everyone else, we usually become significantly less reasonable when we’re tired. We never follow a rule of “work things out before you go to sleep” because we’ve learned there are some arguments that can’t be worked out until we’ve had some sleep!

Gary – I feel the need to clarify Jessica’s comment about working things out before we sleep (is this an argument??). I think we have always tried to work things out before heading to bed, but when it gets to the point where we’re exhausted, we acknowledge that sleep will actually help to solve the issue at hand. It’s our commitment to each other—and to work out our problems—that is what has been a priority for us. This comes back to our “divorce is not an option” caveat to our marriage. When there is no other way, we’re forced to find a solution or be stuck in a miserable living situation.

Anything you want to say to your younger selves?

Gary – Marriage is not so much about what you get out of it, but what you put into it. It’s a bit cliché, but true. Focusing on your own life and making it better will just end up making it worse. I would also tell myself to pay attention to your wife. The more you know about her, the more you can love her and help her. When she is loved and supported, she blossoms. Also, getting married is just the beginning. It’s not “done” now, so keep working together and doing life together.

Jessica – I would say that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Yes, you love him now, but as you keep intentionally moving towards each other, you will get to experience a depth of love you can’t even imagine right now. It won’t ever be fully easy, but it will get easier and for every night that you go to bed in tears, you will have three times as many where you fall asleep full of indescribable joy and gratitude for the love you have found. Hold on and enjoy the process!

Who is the more romantic, humbler, more gentle, kind, and passionate?

Jessica – Oh boy. Does it sound too evasive if I say “it depends”? Because it honestly does! Although I think Gary is actually the more romantic one pretty much all the time. He’s pretty great at that!

Gary – I’m definitely humbler! Seriously though, I think I am more romantic (or at least lean in that direction more than Jessica). Jessica is certainly more passionate and gentler. We’re both even on the kindness meter.

What are some nice romantic restaurants in Vancouver?

Jessica – We are probably the worst people to ask that question because for us the answer would be “any restaurant we’re at without our kids”! We do really like Cactus Club though. It’s a great date night spot!

Gary – Yeah, we’re not foodies at all and hardly have a chance to get out. We do love take-out wings and breadsticks from Pizza Hut after the kids go to bed though!

Tell me something funny that has happened in your marriage?

Gary Powell – Our whole marriage has been pretty funny! We often say our home life is kind of like a sitcom and we laugh at ourselves a lot. It helps not to take things too seriously. That said, my attempt at taking maternity “beach photos” of Jessica when she was 8-months pregnant was pretty funny. The waves kept crashing and pushing her over and let’s just say the words “beached whale” may have come out of my lips! (One more piece of advice for newly married couples—I do have pre-approval to share that story!).

The post The Powell’s: Love Advice appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Dating is a stage in a romantic relationship, where two people meet to assess each other’s suitability as a future partner.

The Feast of St. Valentine, St. Valentine’s Day, or Valentine’s Day is celebrated annually on February 14. It started as a Christian festival to honor the Christian Martyrdom of St. Valentine. February 14 has become an important cultural, commercial and religious celebration globally about love and romance.

Pastor Mark Strickland is the Senior Pastor at Milton Bible Church. I catch up with him to give us some advice on dating and marriage.

Pastor Mark, welcome to my blog.  Tell my audience something important about you?

Thanks, Jerry!  I don’t think of myself as being that important!  What I believe is important is investing in other people and having a strong faith to guide your decisions in life!  That compass of faith, for me, has kept me grounded and has been a reservoir of strength in our marriage.

Mark, during what part of the dating process did you know that Wendy was the one for you?

When Wendy and I were dating, she said something one day that made me realize it.  She said that she respected me and that even if we didn’t always see eye to eye of things, she would support me in life.  The irony of what she said is that it made me want to see eye to eye with her and I value her perspective.  By Wendy being willing to respect me with no strings attached, I actually ended up respecting her more.  The Apostle Paul sums it up in Ephesians 5:21, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  If you can find someone who will do this with you, they just might be the one!

I am sure dating was just fine with no problems and everything was smooth?

Haha, yes?  Wendy and I had known each other for several years as friends.  This helped because we had an idea of what we were getting into when we started dating.  Another thing, looking back on it, is that we both held similar core convictions around faith and life, as did our families.  When you’re dating a person and you’re on the same page in several facets of life, it helps with the “smoothness”.  There were some minor things along the way to work on, mostly on my end, but overall we were very similar which helped us a lot.  When I counsel younger people today, I encourage them to date others who they know they can “be on the same page” with, in terms of convictions and core values.

Marriage changes you forever. How have you changed over the years?

I have less hair!

Honestly, I think marriage (and kids) makes you less selfish.  It’s not about you.  It’s about us.  Almost every decision I make usually factors my marriage into the equation.  I’ve said no to really good things so I can say yes to a better thing: my family.

Marriage has its ups and downs. However, we have to make it through. Help me understand that in your situation?

We are one of those couples that don’t have a dramatic up and down moment or anything.  That doesn’t make us better or worse, it’s just our story.  When we were dating and got engaged, we made a covenant to each other that divorce would never be an option.  For us, that commitment underpins our whole marriage.  We don’t even think “we have to make through” because not making it through isn’t an option on the table.  Although we’ve never had to use counseling for marriage, I absolutely endorse it to couples who are struggling and would use it if required.  Do whatever it takes to work on yourself and ultimately work on your marriage.

Give the younger generation some tips on how to be a good husband and father?

Think about the other person.  Be a team player for your family.  My job is Sunday-Thursday, Wendy’s is Monday-Friday.  I have Friday’s off.  For some guys that would mean playing golf, sleeping, video games, etc.  That’s not a family/team mentality.  My Friday look’s like this: pick up groceries, clean the house, pay bills, take kids, cars, animals to appointments.  Wendy is the same.  Our mentality is when you see something that needs to get done, do it.  Be a team.  We’ve brought our kids into this, too.  Our oldest son helps his sisters with homework, the kids help with chores on Saturday morning, etc.  They don’t always love it, and Wendy and I don’t always enjoy the stuff we do.  But that’s a part of what character is about – perseverance.  The Bible puts it this way in James 1 – “Perseverance must finish it’s work so you are mature and complete.”  Persevere and be a team player.

Romance needs to be kept alive in a marriage…..explain?

You shouldn’t really ever stop dating and being romantic.  I’m no Romeo but I try to bring flowers home for Wendy regularly, I try to publicly praise her, and we do our best to go on dates regularly.  We make it a habit to get away for a couple of weekends a year, which is always a highlight.  Some older couples are all mushy and overly cheesy about romance.  Wendy and I don’t do that – it makes us feel uncomfortable!  But we love each other deeply, which keeps romance constant in our marriage.

I am sure you never argue, never fight, and just have this amazing perfect marriage.

True.  Okay, not true!  We fight from time to time, as do most couples.  Sometimes you’ll hear people say, “always resolve a fight before you go to bed.”  It’s based on this verse in Ephesians 6, “don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”  We took it literally for the first couple years of our marriage and it led to some brutal late-night arguments.  What we learned about us (and this will be different for every couple) is that we actually often need to go to bed and by the time we wake up whatever we were fighting about seems trivial and we apologize and move on.  The principle is to deal with your anger/fights.  It doesn’t mean you have to stay up till 3 am figuring that out.  Just make sure it’s dealt within a reasonable time – don’t let the sun go down on a fight so that it festers in your heart.

Anything you want to say to your younger self?

Before having kids, go see a gazillion movies in the theaters.

How are food, faith, finance, and family important to you?

That’s a big question.

Food is essential for life.  Wendy and I’s relationship with food has changed over the years, probably for the better.  In our younger days we would eat out a lot, and freestyle grocery shopping and meals.  These days we make a weekly food plan, build out a shopping list, and usually buy groceries online and pick them up at the curb.  It gives us more time together (you can order on the couch watching TV) and gives me more time on Fridays for family things (take 5 minutes to pick up the groceries).

Faith, as you’ve picked up in this interview, is core to our identity.  The only person we love more than each other is God.  That might sound weird, but when you consider that God is the only perfect being who will never let you down, it’s important to find your identity and meaning in Him first.  Out of the strength of who God is, and a relationship with Him, you will be a better spouse to each other.  In all my years as a pastor, I’ve never met a couple who’ve said, “going to church and being a Christian made our life and our family worse!”

Finances for us have been a journey but we’ve developed a system that works.  We practice a monthly budget and allot specific amounts in different categories.  This allows us to save for a few months at a time to buy larger purchases while guaranteeing we have our monthly and in and out money for gas, groceries, kids stuff, etc.  We aren’t chasing money or riches.  Everything we have is God’s, and He just asks us to use the resources in our care wisely.  That’s our goal.

Family, well family is great.  We are the kind of family that likes to do life together.  Even if just Wendy or I could run out to the store and get something, we’ll take everyone and make it an adventure.  We make sure our kids hear that we love them daily, and do what we can to support their dreams, skills, and interests.  We really try to protect our family dinner table.  We eat at the table, TV is off, phones are away, and we make it about our day and our lives.  It’s a time for conversation and sharing of life.  If there’s one thing every family can do that will set kids up for success, eat dinner together, as much as possible.

The post Pastor Mark Strickland: Practical Advice on Dating and Marriage appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Just type dating in the 21st century and you get sixty million results. There is online dating, speed dating, friends with benefits dating, and the list never ends. I live in a city of six million people, and the number one complaint I hear from women is where are the men? Tia Conner coaches single women for dating in becoming the right woman rather than looking for the right man.

Tia, please share with my audience something about you?

Hi Jerry! Thank you so much for taking the time to interview me for your blog. It means a lot to me that you appreciate my line of work and want to help me share my passion with others.

My name is Tia Conner and I am a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Professional Coach. I have been coaching since 2014 and I’m truly blessed that I get to have fun every day when I go to “work.”

When people would ask me what was I passionate about, I was never one to say ‘oh I am passionate about acting’ or ‘I’m passionate about marketing and business development.’ My answer would always fall back to “I am passionate about helping people.” And that’s what I get to do every single day and I love it!

A fun fact that most people do not know about me is that I love pageantry and salsa dancing. When I was younger, I always wanted to become Miss America or Miss USA. In fact, in my younger years, I competed for my local/state preliminary for Miss USA. Did I win… no, but I tied for top 10. That experience taught me so many valuable skills and life lessons.

I know you offer the Purposely Aligned Signature Course. What is it about? Who is it for? How does it benefit women?

My course, Purposely Aligned Signature Course is an 8-week transformation course geared towards single women. In these 8 weeks, I teach single women to become mentally attractive by eliminating stress and manxiety, inspiring breakthroughs, and aligning them to their Godly purpose while in their waiting season.

This course benefits women because most women want a happy and healthy relationship. However, I think it is important for women to realize that it starts with going within. Understanding common traits that hinder them from achieving this goal of meeting their mate. So in my course, we go within, figure out the why’s and how’s of their challenges and then we transform them.

You talk about you were in a dead-end job and your dating life was dead in the water. You turned it around. Walk me through how you did it?

Whew… that’s such a loaded topic lol. Yes, so my previous job, as a Product Specialist, for an automotive maker didn’t have room to grow. I was basically a glorified spokesmodel. Although there were many perks, ie: travel, there were many challenges. I graduated with my MBA several years prior and I didn’t feel as if I was utilizing my degree. Additionally, there were many toxic experiences that happened in that environment ranging from sexual harassment all the way to racism. So with all of that being compounded, I knew in my heart that it was time for me to go. There was just so much imbalance and uncertainty and it also made dating extremely hard.

I realized that I was taking on toxic behaviors in my dating life because I was surrounded by toxicity. I became emotionally unavailable to attracting emotionally unavailable men. It was a cycle! A terrible one!

I was able to turn it around by getting REAL with myself. I had to do a lot of work! During that time I found so many golden nuggets that helped me and I’ve basically collected those nuggets and created my course around it. These same nuggets I’ve coach individual clients with and any received great results.

Some women get eager, anxious with their waiting season and the biological clock is running against them. What do you tell these women?

I tell women to relax and be anxious for nothing. Being in that energy or headspace does nothing but create more anxiety in that area of their life. When that happens, that’s when bad choices are made and they’ll try to make a square peg fit in a round hole. I encourage them to get mentally attractive first and then the rest will fall into place!

Is dating on Tinder good for our self-esteem and how does it affect us negatively?

I think that online dating once was a good thing but took a turn for the worst. At the beginning of online dating, it made sense for those who have a busy life and created an opportunity to meet people that you wouldn’t otherwise meet. I think now, dating apps make dating more complicated. It became impersonal and made it a lot harder for those looking to a serious relationship to find one because of all of the “posers” they have to sift through.

What are the three qualities women need to see in a man before they decide they want to marry him? Please do not tell me he needs to love God and be super spiritual. That can be faked.

The top 3 qualities that a woman should look for are:

• Consistent action, do his actions match his words? Choose someone who keeps choosing you.
• Does he make you laugh…that’s key. You want to be with someone who can put a smile on your face.
• Integrity… I think that’s self-explanatory. However, you want to be with someone who has integrity and is honest. Basically someone who believes in doing the right thing.

You asked for 3 but my 4th is someone who loves their mother. I am a firm believer of how he treats his mother is how he will treat you.

Do you believe that God has someone out there for us or we need to become intentional and go out there and find a man?

Hmmm, interesting question…

I think it can be both. James 2:14-26 says “Faith without works is dead.” But if you are actively searching, do so with the right spirit, mindset, and intentions.

I have a few female friends who are too picky and they have these high expectations that even Jesus could not meet. They want a tall, dark, handsome, great career, super sensitive, and a believer. Talk to me what do you tell these women?

I say that it’s ok to have standards but if you are expecting the impossible, then you are potentially bypassing your Mr. Right. You have to learn to relax. What are the absolute deal breakers? and what are the things are a nice-to-have but it’s ok if they don’t have it?

Food, faith, finance, and family, how do you balance all of this?

It’s about carving out time and creating balance for these things that are important to me. I also live by a schedule to see/call my key tribe members. I designate time to manage my financing a bi-weekly basis. Faith is a daily practice before I start my day.

The post Tia Conner: Dating Coach appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Introduction

Tara holds a Ph.D. in professional counseling from Liberty University and has theological training through her Master’s of Divinity in professional counseling from Tyndale Seminary. She is also a Registered Psychotherapist in good standing with the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario and is a certified member in good standing with the OACCPP Mental Health Professionals. Tara’s respectful accepting approach balanced with gentle but firm truths provides a warm and comfortable environment for those clients she supports.

I ask Tara the nitty-gritty stuff about marriage, the benefits of counseling and how to thrive in marriage.

Tara Lalonde thanks for taking the time in your busy schedule to answer these questions. Please tell me a little about you?

I am a registered psychotherapist in Ontario, as well as a speaker and author.  I have been in private practice for over a decade, helping individual adults and couples find life-transforming change.  While I love working with all of my clients, I have been profoundly blessed with being able to openly work with clients who share my faith in Jesus.  In those relationships, I have found Jesus to be very active in bringing clients into deeper and more impactful journeys with Him.

Please describe your journey to faith?

The Lord is so good and faithful to me.  My journey began with Him when I was a teen.  I accepted Jesus as my savior and was baptized at age 16.  It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that He became the Lord of my life, though.  At that time, I realized I could no longer live with one foot in the world and the other trying to follow Jesus.  My way wasn’t working.  I confessed needing things to go my way and turned my control over to Him.

I wish I could say it was smooth sailing from there, but that would not be realistic.  However, He has been faithful to use all of my mistakes and poor choices to move me closer to Him and deeper into surrender.  He has also led me to difficult choices with the intent on teaching me to surrender more and release all control to Him.

One of those choices, that I talk about in my book, was leading me to get a double master’s degree, rather than simply focusing on my professional counseling degree.  What He didn’t tell me was that I was not going to be able to accomplish the full second major because my brain simply does not learn languages well (I later found out I have a diagnosable learning disorder).

You see, to get a second major in Pastoral Studies, as He led me to do, meant taking four Biblical language courses.  I choose Hebrew because I was told it is marginally easier than Greek.  Well, by the end of the second course in Hebrew, I knew I was not retaining it and would not be able to complete the remaining two courses.

That felt like a failure to me and sent me into a battle of doubt with the Lord.  He knew I wouldn’t be able to do it, so why did He push me to take this?  In that place of pain and questioning, God showed up to me and revealed that He is still God, and I am okay.  Failure did not define me and, in fact, He was pleased with me for obeying, even though He had no intention of me ever actually receiving a second full major.  I learned I don’t have to fear failure because God is still in control, and the results of my obedience are up to Him, not me.  I settled with a minor in pastoral and graduated the year after all of my classmates.

This is only one area that the Lord has put me in situations where I am required to depend on Him; for there are many others in my life as well.  Through the years I have learned that it is better to depend on the Lord for all things than to have an easy life that does not push us beyond our comfort and abilities.

Last year I spent two weeks in Cuba and took only two books with me. One of them was yours ‘An Unexpected Freedom: Discover Peace and Joy in the Reality of Life’. Share a little about this book and what made you write it?

Wow, thank you for choosing my book to be one of your two.  That was another area where the Lord pushed me out of my comfort zone to write and publish this book.  Don’t get me wrong, the content has been a passion of mine for many years and is birthed out of this whole idea of surrender and dependence on God.  I just never imagined that I could write a book.

An Unexpected Freedom guides readers down into the valley of dying to self and back up the other side to find meaning, hope, and deeper peace that is not dependent upon life circumstances working out the way we want them to.

Through this journey I reveal the mistaken beliefs of our culture and shed light on how Scripture reveals dying to self, letting go of control to God, and learning to see life through God’s perspective can actually change our lives to become more joy-filled, peaceful, and fulfilling.

Throughout, I share parts of my own story and the stories of others who have also taken this journey.  The intent is to bring to life the possibility that this is not simply something theoretical, but rather a reality that is accessible to readers in our time and even within our changing culture.

I really do live this and seek to live it in greater and greater measure.  As we learn to release more and more of our control, wants, and expectations, God shows up and transforms our negative experiences into times of drawing nearer to Him and sends us on everyday adventures we would have missed had we not had His perspective to see them.

This doesn’t mean we won’t struggle and have pain.  In fact, that is always a normal part of the human experience.  Becoming a Christian and surrendering it all to God doesn’t rescue us from that.  It simply and profoundly changes how we interpret the pain and thus overcome it.  This is the peace that passes understanding that Paul talks about.  Not removal from trails and pain but peace and perspective within them.

You have been a counselor for a while, and you did your thesis on marriage. What surprised you and what did you learn from it?

I think the most profound learning, that is often quite surprising, is the idea that in order to have a fulfilling and healthy marriage, one must take 100% responsibility for their own emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well being.  That does not guarantee a healthy marriage because the health of the marriage takes two people and we only control our own side of that.  But, it does put your own well being and experience of the marriage back within your own control.

This idea is painful for some people.

We want a good marriage and it is often easier to see the faults in our spouses than to recognize and do the work of taking care of our own well being.  In fact, many of us believe it is our spouse’s responsibility to make us happy and whole… remember the famous romantic movie line, “you complete me”.  It is a lovely sentiment but it is absolutely inaccurate and unhelpful and sets us up for a lifetime of disappointment.

God completes us as we surrender to Him and seek His perspective on ourselves and our spouses.  From the place of increasing wholeness with God, we then can love our spouse sacrificially.  This too is pleasing to God, who happens to be our sole purpose in life.  When our spouse does this also, it feels great!  When they don’t, with this perspective, we can be okay anyway.  Our focus is on God’s “well done good and faithful servant”, not our spouse’s.

When they don’t love us the way we want or expect, or even how they should, two things happen.  The first is that we learn to rely on God even more for our sufficiency; He is so gentle and faithful in that.  And, we store up treasures in heaven that one day we will reap the rewards of in ways we cannot even imagine here.  I can’t wait to see what God has in store for us in heaven!

One of my readers from India wants you to give us five practical points on how to have a great marriage?

Really it is what I have been talking about.  Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your spouse from the place of being loved in return from God in all of those areas.  When we know our God and how much He loves and accepts us, we can love others without requiring them to love us back in any particular way.

Practically, this may mean venting to God about your spouse before releasing them to Him.  Then ask Him to give a new perspective on your spouse and on what you might be doing to contribute to your situation.  Sometimes it really is just the other person, but often we contribute to our pain through how we talk to ourselves about our spouse, what we are not getting, how unfair it is, or how others don’t have it like this.

I recently was finding myself getting so frustrated with my husband and reacting with an intensity that is unusual for me.  What he was doing warranted my frustration, but I was compelled to look inward.  Even if this behavior of his never changes, I cannot be reacting like this.  It is not who I want to be.

So, I took some time in prayer and reflection to see what in me this was hitting.  Even though I have done a lot of internal reflection and growing over the years, I was surprised to find a core wound from my childhood that I had never realized before.  I then sought my own counsel to resolve the mistaken beliefs I had developed from way back then.  I now have been able to release those beliefs and have taken on a more truthful perspective of myself.

The next time my husband does something to hit that button, I may still react, but not likely to the extreme that I had because the root of the button has been discharged.

As we seek to continually take care of and heal ourselves, our marriage experience improves.  When both partners do this, then we get to what God really intended for marriage.  But, we cannot control that part.  Only our own.  And for that, we get God’s rewards, even if our spouse is not able at this time.

Another reader from Malaysia asks how do we deal with unrealistic expectations that we bring into a marriage?

Indeed, we all bring expectations into marriage and many of those are unrealistic.  At the same time, it is challenging because we are not always even aware that we had these expectations until they are not met.

You may be seeing a theme here in my answers.  The best way to work through these is to recognize them within yourself and explore where they have come from.  Are they realistic?  Are they in line with Scripture?  (My spouse meeting all of my emotional needs is not, though it is a very real cultural expectation for many people.)

If you find that you believe your expectation is realistic and in line with your understanding with the Bible (or at least not against it), then openly discuss it with your spouse.  This cannot be with the intent to change them, however.  It is more sharing that you have this expectation and where it may have come from for you.

Ask what they think.  Ask what their expectations are regarding that part of your marriage.  Explore if there could be a way to work together to find a winning solution that both of you can feel good about.

If not, then return to the Lord and ask Him to help you release it or surrender it.  You can also ask that He changes your spouse, but then you must again, return to, but if you don’t, change me.

A simple example in my marriage is that I unknowingly had the expectation that when I was cooking and realized I needed something, that I could ask my husband to go get it and he would if he wasn’t in the middle of something.  When I tried that early on in our marriage, he said no, and may have even been annoyed that I hadn’t checked before starting.

This came as a surprise to me.  I had to explore where that expectation came from.  It was not hard to find, you see, this is how my parents functioned.  But, in my husband’s family, his dad did not do that.  In fact, his mom would often be the one to do this kind of thing for his dad.  So, it was the reverse.  I also realized I probably wouldn’t want to do that for him either in that situation, and that was surprising.

In the end, there was no big agreed upon shift for us.  I simply had to release him from that expectation and then work on my own unwillingness, seeking God’s desire for my character in this kind of situation.

In your marriage workshop you bring out a baby elephant, please tell my audience about it concerning unmet needs?

Ah, the elephant.  I love the example of an elephant.  It can be used in so many ways.  First, elephants are large animals and can seem very heavy and possibly overwhelming.  Feelings can be like that, too.

We also have a phrase in North America about “the elephant in the room”.  This refers to things, that everyone in the room is aware of, but are not being discussed openly.  This too can be how we deal with our feelings.

Finally, in different parts of the world, the elephant represents wisdom, strength, cooperation, and loyalty.  What a beautiful picture of what our hearts and emotions can also represent.

So, I will often use a stuffed baby elephant in my seminars and counseling sessions to represent our hearts and emotions.  Particularly when our needs are not met, our emotions and troubles can feel overwhelming and big, and we may want to pretend they are not there.  In reality, when we attend to them, we find strength, wisdom, new options, and resiliency.

You see, emotions have a great deal of information within them.  This is not logic-based information; that comes from the mind.  Emotional information is highly valuable and God gave us this information source for a reason.  In fact, He says in Psalm 23:4 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it”.  Notice it is your heart, not your mind that directs your life.

But there is an interaction with the mind that is needed.  We cannot simply allow ourselves to be driven by emotions alone.  They must be engaged and understood, soothed and respected.

The information of the heart and emotions runs deeper and more powerfully than logic.  So, when emotions come, take time to slow down and investigate what they may be trying to tell you.  Before trying to resolve disputes with your spouse, it is important to take time to explore what you are feeling and what that may be about.  Listen to your elephants!

Some questions you can ask yourself in this exploration are: What am I feeling? Where is it coming from? Am I contributing to the feeling? Am I turning up the volume in some way? What is the truth? What am I afraid of? Is this familiar (have I felt this way before)? What can I control? What do I want/desire/long for? What do I need (from me/God) to move toward my own wellbeing (even when my needs are not being met)?

When should a couple come for marriage counseling? 

There are lots of times when a couple could seek counsel.  For some, it is at the beginning when they realize that marriage is a lot harder than they realized (for it usually is) and they want to gain tools to communicate better.

Others may want to consider counseling when big life transitions happen for them.  Having children, when children leave home, or when it is time to retire are often good times to seek counsel on how to navigate and prioritize your marriage in these new seasons.

Some people seek help when things start to get really hard and they are finding what they are trying is not working.

Unfortunately, many people wait until they are just about ready to give up before coming.  I would suggest, don’t wait that long.  There are real practical tools that you can gain and implement before ever having to get that far.  However, if that is what it takes for you, then know that God sees you and understands that too.

Basically, I and other marriage therapists are here for you whenever you are ready.

How do you balance faith, family, food, and finance with your busy schedule?

Now that is a good question.  In a world where things are going faster and we are pressed to do more, be more, and have more, it is hard to find balance.  My husband and I tend to be quite counter-cultural with this, actually.  We like a life of simplicity, without too much going on.  I am not going all the time or involved in lots of things.  When we have plans on the weekend, we make sure to also have downtimes.

In addition, (and this may sound crazy to most people) I really enjoy the silence in my home, uncluttered even with the noise of music or tv.  My husband will watch tv in the evenings but other than that, we enjoy the quiet.

Though I enjoy food and we like to eat dinner out once a week, I work three nights per week so I don’t have a lot of time to cook.  And, to be completely honest, cooking for just the two of us is not really something I like to do.  So, I will tend to cook large portions that we will eat throughout the week.  It is easier to cook a lot once than to cook multiple times during the week.  It works for us.

With finances, simplicity is key once again.  We intentionally choose to live below our means regarding our mortgage and other financial responsibilities.  We also make it a point to pay down all credit cards each month so we do not have debt hanging over us.  This allows us to be generous with our giving without feeling like we are having to “find” the money.  Having never allowed ourselves to live at the max of our income, this doesn’t really feel like a sacrifice, though we recognize it is in this culture.  The joy of giving abundantly is exciting to both of us.

The post Secrets on How to Have a Great Marriage appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

In a few weeks, I will be completing 19 years of marriage. I do not have a formula, but I do have marriage tips.

On the day of my marriage, if you had told me that within five years, five men in my wedding party, the minister that did the premarital counseling, the DJ, and the MC at my wedding would all get divorced, I would say seriously? But that is the truth.

Am I better because I have been married for 19 years? No. Am I perfect? No. Do I have everything figured out? No. However, I do ask many couples for their marriage tips.

I dated Debbie for nearly two years. I have to be honest. Many people questioned my choice. However, I knew myself and my gaps. Debbie filled those gaps.

On the day of my marriage, I had hair, abs chiseled by playing squash three times a week, working out, and swimming. 19 years later, the hair is gone, there is more blubber than abs, and I am the caretaker as cancer ravages Debbie.

Marriage is a marathon. It is a long drive on the highway. The tire has burst for me. Now what? Give up and walk away. Yell, scream, and shout why me?

I think about Debbie going through a C section for Jean. I think about Debbie taking care of Jean while I was doing my MBA. I was thinking of many times Debbie would get up at 4 am, shovel the snow, so I can leave home at 6.45 am.

Marriage is hard work. It is not a transactional business. Going to church does not protect you. You have to be intentional to work on your marriage.

If you see a successful hockey, basketball, or baseball player, they became successful by putting in many, many hours of hard work and sacrificed along the way.

It’s the same in marriage. There is no instant formula or magic. You get what you put into it. There you go, another tip on marriage.

I am super excited about having Betsy Kerekes. Betsy Kerekes is the author of Be a Happier Parent or Laugh Trying and coauthor of 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage and 101 Tips for Marrying the Right Person. Her professional experience includes public relations for Franciscan University of Steubenville, proofreading for Patrick Madrid’s Envoy magazine, and contributing to Aleteia, MercatorNet, Catholic Lane, Catholic Exchange, CatholicMom.com, The Southern Cross, and Creative Minority Report. Kerekes serves as editor and director of online publications at the Ruth Institute, where she writes weekly newsletters and manages the blog. She telecommutes from her home near San Diego, where she homeschools her four children and blogs about her parenting adventures at parentingisfunny.wordpress.com. Betsy offers her ten favorite marriage tips.

COVID has made a lot of people stuck at home together when they previously had more space and alone time. Tempers can run high under stressful circumstances. For all couples, married or otherwise, here are ten of my favorite tips from 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage.

1. Enjoy the warm fuzzy feelings, but don’t feel cheated if they go away. Feelings are fleeting. “I like the way I feel with this person” is not enough to sustain a marriage for a lifetime.

People often get divorced because they simply fall out of love with each other. “The chemistry is gone,” they say. It’s impossible to stay madly in love 24/7, but simple reminders of your feelings for each other (past and present) can help keep the flame alive. Read old journals from when you first met. Leave love notes for each other. Make up a scavenger hunt with a romantic prize at the end. The possibilities are endless, and falling in love with the same person can be just as exhilarating the second, third, and twelfth time around.

2. Take responsibility for meeting your own needs. You can take care of yourself. Know that you will be okay, no matter what your spouse chooses to do or not do.

Knock yourself out of the mindset that your spouse has often done this or that for you, and therefore should always do those things for you. Sometimes that just won’t be possible, and that’s okay, because you’re a big kid. You will survive, even if it means squishing the big spider yourself, pulling the chair over to reach the top shelf on your own, or cooking for yourself. It may mean listening to “Eye of the Tiger” several times in advance, but you can do it.

3. Make a decision to take care of household issues that really matter to you. You won’t need to nag your spouse about something truly important to you because you will be solving the problem yourself.

Believe it or not, social scientists have studied the question of housework: who does it, who complains about it, and what difference it makes. Study after study shows that women are happier when they feel appreciated for their contributions, and men are happier when they don’t feel nagged. So, if the housework is nagging at you, don’t nag at each other! Just take care of it! And if your spouse takes care of something, say thank you.

4. Practice giving to your spouse. “I’m getting up to get a cup of coffee. Can I get something for you?”

Anticipate your spouse’s needs. If you notice your spouse’s cup is half empty (or half full, if you prefer), get up for more before your spouse even notices he or she is running low. It will make him or her happy and even bring delight to your own heart when you know you’ve done a good deed. Remember, it’s those little unexpected things that carry the most weight.

5. Relinquish control of small issues. You will be building up the feeling of teamwork within your home. You will feel a lot less stressed yourself if you let go of the need to win on trivial issues. And you’ll be in a much stronger position to stand your ground when the two of you disagree over something really important.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff, or you’ll drown in it.” In a marriage, it’s critical to recognize the small stuff and to remember what is the biggest: your relationship. Don’t raise your blood pressure because she ate the last of the mint chocolate chip ice cream or because he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle instead of the end. But really, in the little debates, the one who feels less strongly on the matter should simply give in to the other. Keep the peace, and keep your spouse.

6. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, even in your mind. If you find yourself mentally rehearsing your grudges, change the subject. Harboring negative thoughts will make you sour.

Have you ever taken a picture of someone right as they sneezed? Those pictures never turn out well. And sometimes when we talk, we say something we didn’t actually mean; it didn’t come outright. Sometimes we’re just having an off day and speak or act more harshly than we normally would. If your spouse does something out of the ordinary, in a hurtful sort of way, he or she may just be having an off day. Give him or her some space and time, and think of that incident as the moment when he or she sneezed as the picture snapped. Throw the photo, and the incident, out of your mind.

7. Accept the fact that each of you is good at a different set of things and cares about a different set of things.

I hate football season. I absolutely dread it every year. To make things worse, it often begins on or around my birthday. For my husband, however, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Consequently, I must endure countless monologues about quarterbacks, linebackers, conferences, stats, and other information that filters loosely through my mind while I try to figure out what to make for dinner. As much as it pains me to endure this useless information, I know that he loves to talk football, and I’m the only person around, short of an imaginary friend, who will listen even remotely. With your loved ones, you make allowances. That’s just the way it is.

8. Plan another time to discuss the issue or solve the problem you’re fighting about.

Certain times just aren’t good for arguments. Late at night, right before dinner when you’re both hungry, or when company is over are obvious examples. “Don’t go to bed angry” is not the best advice. Chances are, you won’t be thinking clearly or rationally when you’re tired. Sometimes, it’s better to postpone the inevitable discussion so that each of you can have time to cool off and think out your position rationally. Just remember that when you do return to the war room, be honest, open, and willing to listen.

9. Sing. We often “get stuck” on a negative idea during a fight. Neuroscience has shown that singing helps us use both halves of the brain. Singing helps you get “unstuck.”

You may find yourself starting off with “These boots are made for walking” or “Any man of mine better walk the line,” but after a while, you’ll be able to move yourself on from the thwarted romance genre to a sappy love song, preferably a duet.

I have friends who sing their arguments or speak with an accent so they don’t take themselves, or each other, too seriously. It also helps them get over it sooner. Try it sometime.

10. Allow yourself to enjoy your spouse’s surprises. He or she contributes to your household in all sorts of ways that might never occur to you. “I didn’t think of playing games with the children. I was focused on chores, and you created some pleasure in our home. Thank you.”

It’s good every once in a while to do something spontaneous. It keeps the marriage fresh and lively. Be happy to receive such actions and open to doing them yourself. Pay attention, also, to the nonspontaneous but wonderful things your spouse does all the time that you may take for granted. The example in this tip also reminds us to occasionally take a break from the daily grind and to appreciate what really matters.

The post Betsy Kerekes: Ten of my favorite tips from 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I hate Valentine’s Day. The pressure to buy roses, chocolates, a card, go out for dinner, or cook a romantic meal, with wine, sensual music, and rose petals scattered all over the home to get into the mood…. Ok, wake up reality is here. Busy lives, busy careers, kids’ events, aging parents, and the stress of life is a romance killer.

A new relationship is frantic, enchanting, and electrifying. You do all these amazing romantic gestures towards one another, giddy with excitement, thrilled to know you have found an amazing person that loves you unconditionally and makes you feel special and alive.

However, as time passes by, everything becomes routine and boring. You are in the comfortable stage of a relationship. Therefore, you have to put an effort to keep the excitement going. You do not want to pull away from one another but rather be close. Here are some tips to keep the romance alive in your relationship.

Romance needs gratitude to thrive

In a relationship, taking each other for granted is the poison. Gratitude is the antidote. Gratitude helps you to hold on to your partner and be more romantic. Be grateful you have a partner in your life.

Patience does wonders for romance

We are a generation that was raised on fast food, drive-throughs, upgrading our cell phone and changing a car every few years. Sometimes we bring that same mentality into our relationship. Things are not working; I am too busy and on and on we go. Relax be patient and see how romance can bloom.

Gentleness means you need to practice humility

Try to be kind to your partner. Consider him better. Maybe you do not have to be right all the time, just to win an argument. Be kind and love unconditionally.

Romance loves a sense of humor

Have a funny name for one another. Crack a joke. The use of positive humor is good for intimacy.

Romance thrives on surprises

Do something different this week. If your spouse does the grocery shopping, you do it this week. Do chores around the home as your partner will appreciate it and romance will thrive.

Do things separately for romance to flourish

It is important to do things together. It is critical that you pursue hobbies and interests individually. This will give you topics to talk about.

Focus on the positive in your partner

Is your partner good at something? Tell him. If she is excelling at her job, let her know that. As you focus on the positive qualities of your partner, it will remind you of why you fell in love in the first place. You have the chance daily from morning until night to offer words of admiration, tribute, and affirmation that is valuable.

Buy gifts for one another

Put some thought into this and buy something personal. If your partner likes art and to paint, go and buy him some brushes and paint. This shows you have been thinking about him.

Romance adores compliments and appreciation

After a while, we can take our partner for granted. If she looks beautiful. Tell her. Run your hand through her hair. Kiss her and give her a compliment. We humans need to stay connected and love praise and positive feedback.

Send this post to them

This will send a message that this is what you want them to know and who knows you will get more love than you ever got.

Leave notes in a sticky

Leave a love note on the fridge, in the bedroom, a card or a voice mail. Let your partner know you love them, you care for them, they are awesome and you will be there for them no matter what.  Or just send a nice romantic text to them.

Spend time together

Life is fast-paced and everyone wants our attention. Never make your relationship a low priority. You have to feed it, nourish it for it to grow. The only way to do it is to spend quality time together.

Plan romantic getaways

Once in a while go for a massage together, spend the weekend at a bed and breakfast or just go out for a lovely meal. It allows you to get away and focus on each other and your needs.

Talk daily

You connect when you talk. Talk about your day, what is going on, what is bothering you and what you want from each other for this relationship to grow.

Forgive often

The number one killer of romance is resentment and lack of forgiveness. It builds a wall. Forgive daily. We hurt the people that we love the most. As a couple, it is natural that you will hurt each other daily and very often.

Binge on the weekend

Pick a weekend and plan to do nothing except watch romantic movies on TV. You will feel refreshed, revitalized and closer.

Touch often and be intimate

Intimacy and touch are vital for a long term healthy relationship. Intimacy is nurturing, connecting, being vulnerable, real and communicating your deep desires and issues.

Be positive

Your partner is not perfect. Every human has annoying habits that drive their partner nuts. Never be quick to criticize. Always try to understand where the other person is coming from. Look at every situation from a positive perspective.

Stop pursuing perfection

The number one destroyer of relationships is perfection. Nothing is perfect. Accept the imperfections in life and in your partner.

Let go of unrealistic expectations

Take all your unrealistic expectations that you brought into the relationship and put it in a box. Never ever open it again. He will never complete you. No one ever lives happily ever after. Life happens.

The secret of romance is to give

The people who give the most are the happiest. The secret to living, where romance is thriving is giving. Give it to your partner and make her your number one priority. Go out of your way to make sure she feels secure, loved and wanted.

Kiss passionately

Forget the peck. Forget the short smooch. Make every kiss count with love and passion.

Be naughty

Go for a walk in your neighborhood. Look for spots where you can have a passionate kiss.

The post Maintain the Romance in Your Relationship With These 23 Tips appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

The Grand Palladium Vallarta Resort & Spa is a lavish, all-inclusive resort occupying a flourishing swatch of the manicured jungle with an enticing private beach, about a 45-minute drive from Puerto Vallarta. The 420 rooms have jetted tubs and furnished terraces and the master suites have outdoor whirlpools. Have a perfect Palladium romance day.

Before you read my review, I strongly recommend that you read my article on how to enjoy an all-inclusive vacation.

My review of this resort will be broken into the following sections:

Introduction

How to enjoy the food at this resort

The Chef’s table

Have a romantic day at the Palladium

Take in all the activities

Do a tour

In this section, I will guide you on how to have a romantic day at the Palladium Vallarta.

I would strongly recommend that you order room service for breakfast. Ask them to deliver a bottle of Moet & Chandon bottle.

After a nice and healthy breakfast go for a walk on the beach. Smell the fresh air and marvel at the beauty of the mountains in the distance.

On the beach, you might even notice a wedding taking place or preparation. Get inspired!

After you come back from your walk, call the Zentropia Spa and book a couple’s massage.

At the spa, have a swim, use the sauna and then head for a massage. Have a light lunch at the spa.

Walkthrough love street. It is an amazing experience.

Check out the zoo and look at the parrots who are in love.

It is late in the afternoon. Go for a nice siesta.

At around 8 pm head to Chef’s Table.

After dinner get entertained by Il Duvo.

Around 10 pm head to the adult section for a nice swim at the infinity pool.

Have a great time at the pool or head to your room. The possibilities are endless. If you want to get married, they even have a chapel. Have a great Palladium romance day.

The post Palladium Vallarta – Romance appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.