New beginnings are what we need sometimes in our lives. It is time to identify your true priorities. It is time to focus on what is authentic, true, and real. A new beginning means different things to different people. For me personally, next month means moving to a new city, committing myself to love my wife and daughter unconditionally daily, focusing on spiritual discipline, writing, taking care of my emotional, mental and physical health, and making a difference in the community I live in.

It can be tough growing up when your father is someone who is rich, famous, and powerful. Sometimes the challenge can be living up to expectations. Other times the burden the last name carries. I sit down with Debbie, who I worked with to find out a little about her life.

Debbie, it is great catching up with you. What have you been up to? 

Hi Jerry, nice catching up with you as well, it’s been a while.

I have been up to quite a bit since we last saw each other. I now live near Kingston in the 1000 islands and own my own gift/clothing and art boutique.

Your dad was a famous entrepreneur in Canada. Was there any pressure growing up or following in his footsteps?

I felt no pressure to follow in my Dad’s footsteps. I had no intention of being in the same business, but that’s where I ended up in the investment business. I loved it, and stayed in the business for 25 years, it was exciting, challenging, and a lot of fun.

I have known you for two decades. How has Debbie changed over that time?

I left the business in 2016 and moved to the 1000 islands where I opened up my boutique in Kingston, so my life is completely different than where I thought I would be now. I live outside a small town in a rural area not a big city anymore. My career is still very challenging but this new venture is much more creative.

No more long commutes or living in a condo. I am now surrounded by nature.

You are a Torontonian. The real blue blood 416. Talk to me about this wonderful city?

I was definitely a true-blue blood 416 Toronto girl born and raised; I never would have imagined leaving my city. But as the city grew by leaps and bounds and I got older I wanted to live a quieter life.

I will always love the Toronto I grew up in but things change that’s part of life.

Give yourself some advice at 15 and 25?

Hmmm, advice.

At 15- I would tell myself to relax don’t worry so much You have nothing to prove to anyone except to yourself.

At 25- slow down a bit and take in the moments.

Would you prefer a sensitive male who can cook or a handyman who cannot connect with you emotionally?

Lol, I am now married 10 years (wow how time flies) he’s sensitive and definitely cooks he used to be a chef. Not bad at being handy either so I feel pretty lucky.

I am glad my dating days are over. I had a lot of fun and great meaningful relationships but when you settle down it’s easier to focus on other areas of your life for me it is anyway.

How is the dating life in Toronto?

Toronto is a great city for restaurants, shopping, art, and live entertainment. It is definitely a great place to be young and dating.

I want to know something challenging you have been through. How did you deal with it?

The sudden death of my mother and a few short years later the sudden death of my father. Those experiences changed me forever, as it does for most people. I researched and even wrote a small book on grief to help myself get thru the loss in as healthy a way as possible.

Going through that is what led me to this different life today. I needed new challenges and needed to connect with nature, art, and simpler things.

What does women empowerment mean to you? Is it a buzz word or are things moving in the right direction?

I think women have been empowered for a long time, certainly where I grew up. I could do and be anything I set my mind to. I have never felt held back at any time, there can be difficult people at times who try to hold you back but that will always be the case just move on.

Hopefully, all women in the world will feel this freedom to live the life of their choosing one day.

Finally, I want to know some of your favorite stuff?

Favorite City: Banff

Favorite Book: Kite Runner

Favorite Actor: Robin Williams

Brad Pitt or Leonardo de Caprio: Sam Elliot please lol

Favorite Meal: Spaghetti

Favorite Wine: Chianti

The idea of a romantic date: Country house, dinner, and wine by the fire, the storm outside

The post Debbie Lawrence: New Beginnings appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

The headlines roared about the closing of a major plant and as a result, more than 3,500 people would be out of a job. The spokesperson for the company said, “The skill sets of those impacted do not line up with the long-term trajectory of the business”. What has this got to do with being a husband?

After that, another expert commented on the situation. His take was: change or die.

As a result of the announcement, it got me thinking. We focus so much on our lives to develop skills to get a job. What about the skill set to be a husband and a father? Does a school even exist to teach us? Our very social fabric depends on this. Wives eventually lay us off in the form of divorce. Kids downsize us by not wanting to spend time with us.

Men are natural boneheads. We are fixers, insensitive, visual, and selfish. These inherent qualities do not help us in the role of a husband.

When I first got married, I thought I had arrived in heaven. All my problems are resolved. Marriage is a very expensive place to find out who you are. The spouse is like a mirror. The weaknesses magnify. It is a relationship where you learn by trial and error. You learn as you move along.

Some have a false idea that if they marry someone who practices a certain faith or same ethnic background, it will be different. However, all statistics point in the other direction. Study after study shows that it is no different.

Fatherhood has its joys and its challenges. In a marriage, you change from focusing on you to us. The equation changes with children. The shift in family dynamics brings its own ups and downs.

When I come home tired, I just want to switch the TV, eat and just chill. Jean wants me to play. She wants me to listen to how her day went. She wants me to comment on her paintings. Debbie just laughs all along. Most times, it is fun. Sometimes it is all about self-denial.

Change or die rang in my ears. Modern men have to develop a whole set of soft skills. For instance, listening, patience, kindness, gentleness, communicating, cooking, helping with chores, and changing diapers. For those with strong patriarchal backgrounds giving her importance and equality is important.

Here are some important skills to develop to be a husband:

• Show appreciation
• Listen
• Do not interrupt
• Do not flirt
• Have boundaries
• Be intentional
• Make your marriage a priority
• Watch your tongue
• Validate her emotions
• Be aware of your body language
• Be disciplined
• Say ‘I love you’ daily
• Be open to change
• Be kind and compassionate
• Support her dreams
• Character, character character
• And finally, remember what Nathaniel Bonner said ‘No amount of success is worth personal failure at home’.

End of the day, both roles have made me a better human being. It has made me a balanced person. It has changed my view on life. Jean in all her innocence says I have to become a better listener. She is only 17 years old. I have a long way to go. Children just speak the truth.

The post Ten Skills Required to be a Successful Husband appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

February strolls in wearing red velvet and carrying a quiver. Every storefront blushes, chocolate goes missing, and even the air feels like it’s humming a love song. It is the month where Cupid clocks in overtime and restaurants suddenly require reservations made in November.

But here’s the twist. Romance is not reserved for the freshly infatuated or the perfectly filtered. Whether you have been married for three decades, dating for three weeks, or simply celebrating friendship, February is an invitation. An invitation to step out, try something new, taste a different cuisine, wander into an unfamiliar neighborhood, sit side by side at a drive in theatre, or just clink glasses and say, “I choose you again.”

Dates do not need fireworks. They need intention. They need presence. They need two people willing to lean in.

That is why I sat down with Steve and Lauretta, a couple who have been married for more than thirty years and still laugh like co conspirators. They have weathered miscarriages, career shifts, family tensions, the loss of parents, and the ordinary chaos of raising children. And yet, what stands out most is not grand gestures or cinematic declarations. It is brownies delivered warm. It is long walks instead of harsh words. It is Friday nights with wine and television after a week apart. It is the kind of love that chooses encouragement over ego.

This conversation is not about fairy tales. It is about romance in real life. The kind that grows up, settles in, gets tested, laughs loudly, and stays.

So grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, and join us as we talk about marriage, romance, reality, and why sometimes the best love story is the one that keeps unfolding quietly, year after year.

is the month of romance, love, and playing Cupid.

No matter what your relationship status, you need to go on a date. Take your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or just a friend on a date. It should be exciting, fun, creative and both parties need to find it pleasurable. Try different things and activities to boost the relationship or your romance.

Go to a new destination, a different restaurant, different cuisine, or a drive-in theatre. Make it exciting.

I talk to Steve and Lauretta who have been married for more than 30 yrs about their marriage and romance.

Steve and Lauretta, February is the romantic month. Let’s talk about marriage, romance, and reality. Welcome to my blog and tell us something important about you?

S&L: We have been happily married for 30 years and have 2 great adult children. One unique thing about us is that we got married on my (Steve’s) birthday.

Wow!!! The best gift of your life. When did you know Steve,  that Lauretta was the one for you? Same with you Lauretta?

S: I don’t remember a specific moment.  But I remember a series of events such as Lauretta bringing me brownies one night (they were warm) and being pulled aside and asked by friends, “What are you waiting for?”

L:  I don’t think I ever really had that thought.  I was in love with and enjoying the euphoria of it.  I had finished my master’s degree and was ready for a new chapter.

How romantic. I am sure dating was just fine with no problems and everything was smooth…what were the challenges?

L:  We dated a very short time (3.5 months of dating and then 3.5 months of engagement).  We didn’t face a lot of challenges with the exception of putting together a wedding quickly and the fact that my family was not impressed with my decision to get married. In hindsight, I would have made more of an effort for them to get to know Steve.  They only met him once before we got engaged.

S: The reactions of my family and Lauretta’s family were completely different.  My family loved Lauretta from the first time they met her and they always said, “She’s the best one you’ve brought home so far.  When are you going to marry her?”

The reaction from Lauretta’s family was not one of complete joy, to say the least.  But, they are awfully happy with the way that things have turned out.

Marriage changes you forever. How have both of you changed over the years?

S: I have become a lot more sensitive to Lauretta’s needs.  I always thought of myself as a “macho” guy.  I remember thinking that I wanted our first child to be a boy, but the moment that I saw my daughter, I realized that I got both what I wanted and needed.

L:  I have changed a lot, I think mostly for the better.  I am much more confident, less emotional (thank you menopause).  I’ve come to realize that dramatic changes can occur at any time so it’s best to just work with whatever situations you’re currently dealing with and not stress about what’s around the corner.

Marriage has its ups and downs. However, we have to make it through. Help me understand that in your situation?

S:  Our first two pregnancies were not successful which took an emotional toll.  Fortunately, we had a lot of emotional and physical support from both our families as several members had experienced similar situations.  Also, there have been unexpected changes in employment.  But through it all, we have remained both faithful to and supportive of each other.

L:  I think we have an image of what we expect our marriages, lives, and children to be, and when the reality is different from that expectation it can be jarring. In addition to miscarriages we’ve dealt with the loss of employment, we’ve both lost our fathers and although our children are amazing people, their struggles have definitely impacted our marriage. But as we’ve gone through scary and difficult experiences and come out the other side still intact, we’ve realized that we are stronger than we thought. We can remind ourselves of that fact when we face the inevitable next challenge.

Give the younger generation some tips on how to be a good husband/wife and mother/father?

L:  I’d say that when you know a person so intimately you have the power to build them up or destroy them with even with a few words.  Try to find ways to always recognize and comment on the things that impress you about your partner.  Anyone who knows Steve knows that he always brags about me.  I tease him that I can never meet these people because there is no way that in real life, I can ever live up the picture he has painted of me. It’s also very important in those moments of anger to be aware of that power you hold and protect your partner. Steve knows that when I’m really angry I will go for very extensive walks.  I won’t risk saying things that I can’t take back.  I also would say that you don’t have to talk through every single argument.  Sometimes it’s OK just to drop it.  No harm, no foul.

S:  Yes, I have to agree with “The Babe”.  I was fortunate in that I had a great role model in my dad.  My dad ALWAYS treated my mom like gold.  He never insulted her or put her down.  He was always encouraging to her in everything thing that she did.  He, along with the rest of us, reaped the benefits of this.  In summary, always encourage and look for ways to build up your partner, kids, or whoever else you are with.  You will reap the benefits.

Romance needs to be kept alive in a marriage…..explain (this is a family blog)?

L:  I’m not really that romantic and I find the typical clichés of romantic gestures annoying.  For me, I don’t need grand displays.  I need the little day-to-day assurances that he cares. Last week I locked my keys in the car and when I called him, he laughed and showed up in the parking lot with a big smile on his face.  This is way better than flowers.  I just really enjoy spending time with him.  Right now, Steve is working on a contract out of town during the week.  When he comes home on Friday night we just sit with some wine and the TV and enjoy each other’s company. I look forward to that.

S:  “The Babe” and I think the same way about this.  To me, it is the little “day-to-day” things that we do.  It is the daily encouragement and the ability to laugh both with and at each other.  Nothing brings me more joy than to hear her happy voice and see her smiling face on a daily basis.

I am sure you never argue, never fight, and just have this amazing perfect marriage?

S:  So true.  Next question, please.

L:  I completely agree. Since Steve knows I’m always right there is nothing to argue about.

S:  Whoa!!  What planet do you live on?

L:  The planet where I am a scientist.  I always base my decisions on fact, leaving little room for error.

S:  Ahh, so you admit that you make errors, mistakes, blunders, miscalculations!  Are you saying that at times, you are inaccurate?  Is this what you are admitting to?

L:  I admit nothing and am going for a long walk now.

S:  Ooops.  (Laughing).

Anything you want to say to your younger selves?

S:  I would remind myself of my 2^nd favorite song of all time, “Always Look on The Bright Side of Life”.  There is a line the goes:

If life seems jolly rotten

There’s something you have forgotten,

And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing

I would tell myself that no matter how bad things are, you will probably look back later and laugh as time passes.

L:  I would say “Lighten up, girl.”  You will mess up and fail a lot.  These are not dead ends, just inevitable inconveniences of being human.  Relax a little, enjoy the successes and brush off the failures.

Who is the more romantic, humbler, more gentle, kind, and passionate?

S: (Laughing) Hands down for all of the above, I win them all.  Again, we are both laughing together about this one.

L: Great.  Now I have to say something so that I don’t sound like a jerk.  Steve absolutely is more romantic, humble, gentle and passionate.  I just bring different things to the table.  I am driven, practical, offer creative solutions and take care of the mundane labour essential for daily life.  I definitely am lacking in the more glamourous attributes but I get the job done.

What are some good restaurants in Newmarket?

The Keg for the best steak and The Crow’s Nest for the best nachos in town.  We go to The Keg every year for our anniversary and to The Crow’s Nest every Canada Day.  These have both become traditions for us.

Tell me something funny that has happened in your marriage?

L:  For someone who is not romantic I tend to watch a lot of romcoms.  One day I was thinking about the repetitive use of the word “soul mate.”  I remember thinking to myself that Steve is not my soul mate and I wouldn’t want one anyway.  Sounds very clingy and needy.  It occurred to me, however, that Steve might consider me his soul mate.  So one night I decided to table the question.  “Do you think I’m your soul mate?”  He paused briefly, looked me in the eyes, and said, “No.”  I let out a huge sigh of relief.  He felt exactly the same way as I did.  Now it’s a running joke between us.  “Oh, is it OK if I leave?  Can you bear to be left alone without your soulmate for 2 hours?”  To which the other will reply “EW.”

S:  LOL, Whenever I think of someone being a “Soul Mate”, it creeps me out.

“The Babe” and I laugh a lot in our marriage.

The post Marriage and Laughter: Steve & “The Babe” appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

I have known Jessica and Gary Powell for 15 years. Jessica got married at 19. I was in my first-year university. Gary Powell moved to Vancouver to do a master’s degree. I catch up with them and ask them about their marriage, dating, relationship, and advice on love. Jessica finished the questionnaire early. Gary Powell needed some prodding and he completed it. I would strongly recommend that you read this interview a couple of times. There are so many nuggets in there that can help you deal with dating, love, relationships, and marriage.

Gary and Jessica welcome to my blog and tell us something important about you?

Jessica – Hi! Thanks for having us! Let’s see, what is something important about us? I guess I would start with what’s most important to us and that is living fully surrendered lives to Jesus. Of course, we often miss the mark on that, but in every aspect of our lives, that is our primary goal. We’ve been married 15 (almost 16 now!) years, have three children, and have lived near Vancouver for the last 2.5 years. Before that, we lived in the Toronto area where both Gary and I had grown up.

Gary – Thanks, Jerry! I’d echo those thoughts from Jess. We are living as believers of Jesus as Lord overall—and doing that together as a family of five now with our three kids. We both shared that deep sense of faith as individuals, which I think helped a lot as we got started into our relationship years ago.

When did you know Gary that Jessica was the one for you? same with you Jessica?

Gary – It took me a while. I had dated a few people in my High School years, and while I knew who Jessica was, I didn’t see her in that way at first. After working together at our local Dairy Queen and getting to know her we began to date. But that’s where the interesting part of this answer comes in: I broke up with Jessica twice in our dating years because I wasn’t sure! I think when I was pursuing her again the third time, I finally realized that there was something different going on here.

Jessica – It’s actually hard to say when exactly I knew, but it was a lot sooner than Gary did, that’s for sure! We were so young when we met—I was only 14—that my first feelings of “he’s the one” can really only be described as a crush. But it was a crush that never went away and just continued to grow until I knew I wanted to live my life with him. I then made the decision to make Gary my “one” for the rest of our lives when I married him—I was 19 and he was 21.

I am sure dating was just fine with no problems and everything was smooth…what were the challenges?

Jessica – Oh goodness, where do we even start? There were so many challenges! The biggest challenge, honestly, was how young we were. No matter how mature you are for your age, there’s just no way around the fact that experience requires time and when you’re in high school, you haven’t lived through very much time yet. Both of us were still figuring out who we were, what we wanted, and how our relationship fit in with all that. As Gary already mentioned, in the two years we dated before getting engaged, we even broke up twice before finally deciding to stay together for good!

Gary – Yeah, I suppose there were some challenges, weren’t there!? As Jess mentioned, our age was a big factor. For me, though, it was more navigating the big feelings from previous romantic relationships. I wanted to focus solely on Jessica and pretend the other relationships didn’t really matter (that they were somehow less important, so I could move on). Let’s just say ignorance is not bliss and suppressing hurt feelings doesn’t bode well for your current relationship!

Marriage changes you forever. How have both of you changed over the years?

Gary – Jessica’s sense of humor has definitely improved since marrying me! But on a more serious note, I’ve been forced to deal with myself and wrestle with my own issues since being married. When you’re by yourself, you can hide and keep pushing things down. It’s not as easy when you’re married. I’m grateful that Jessica hasn’t put up with mediocrity in me and yet is simultaneously committed to staying with me no matter what. I have definitely grown in my capacity and confidence as a human being because of her consistent love and encouragement.

Jessica – This is one of my favorite things about marriage; it’s such an intense version of Proverbs 27:17: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” It’s not necessarily always a pleasant experience, but both of us would attest to the fact that marriage has often brought out the worst in us, which is a good thing because then it’s out in the open where we (or more accurately, God!) can deal with it. Of course, we both have to be willing to actually let God deal with it, otherwise, we’re just living with our worst making a mess all around us!

Selfishness, anger, bitterness, lack of faith, impatience, pride—these are just some of the things that marriage (and parenting) have unearthed in my own heart and although I’ve come a long way since we were first married, I’m still always amazed at how many layers there still seem to be!

Gary – Wow, you really have issues, don’t you ;).

Marriage has its ups and downs. However, we have to make it through. Help me understand that in your situation?

Gary – Hmm, I actually think we need to acknowledge that in our society today we don’t have to make it through. It’s so easy to just give up and move on, trading in this relationship for a new one. When we were married, we actually had friends and family giving odds on how many years we would last! (I think it was four…we beat the odds!) I say all that because when we decided to get married, we did it with the caveat that divorce wasn’t an option. While we didn’t know the specific challenges we would face, we knew if there was an “out” we would be more likely to take it. So as best we could, we attempted to remove the potential of the “out” and face the reality of the challenge head-on. Scary, yes. Helpful in the midst of relational storms, definitely!

Jessica – It’s true, marriage can be really difficult! Two separate individuals are never going to agree on everything. Additionally, being in such an intimate relationship automatically increases the level of vulnerability and sensitivity we have with each other, so there is significantly more risk of hurting one another. We’ve had to get really good at both forgiving—pressing the “reset” button—and at having the humility to say “I’m sorry.” That second one is actually the worst for me. I despise being wrong and I hate admitting it even more! However, we know if we don’t actively practice both confession and forgiveness, resentment will capture our hearts and kill our marriage and family.

Give the younger generation some tips on how to be a good husband/wife and mother/father?

Jessica – Keep your heart soft and open to God. Seriously, that is 100% the most important requirement for being a good spouse/parent. Not only will this keep you in a position to be continually transformed by Him—something that enables you to reflect Him and His love towards your family—it also serves as the primary motivation behind how you serve your spouse and family. Your spouse will let you down. Your kids will drive you crazy. There will be times when you honestly don’t feel like they deserve your love. God, on the other hand, is always worthy of our love and obedience, and therefore, we can serve our families for His sake even when we don’t feel like doing it for their sake.

In addition to this, you have to surround yourself with a good community. Yes, it’s important to be careful and respectful in how you talk about your spouse with others, but there are always going to be times when you actually need to vent or talk out an issue with someone else. Find the people who will be on the side of your marriage, not those who will just take your side. Keep people around who will listen, give godly advice, pray for you and with you, and who will give you a kick in the right direction in those times when you really need it.

Gary – Yes and yes to Jessica’s points above. I’m not always the peachiest person to live with (right, Jess?) and Jessica’s dedication to obey God by loving me, combined with the support of the community, has definitely been a blessing. I would add a few more. The advice was given to me to “shut up and hug” is generally quite effective. If the conversation is simply an emotional expression and doesn’t need words in response, a hug goes a long way.

As both a spouse and a parent, I also recommend the use of parking lots (or another quiet space) on the way home from work. Take five minutes (and not more) to pull off and transition your mind from work life to home life before you get home. As a parent, be careful with your tone. And one more as a spouse: make the bed. I can think of no other action that takes so little effort and yet has such a great return on investment!

Romance needs to be kept alive in a marriage…. explain (this is a family blog)?

Jessica – Yes, it does! The problem is, we tend to associate romance with very specific actions, activities, and feelings (especially the fluttery, giddy feelings we get at the beginning of the relationship!). Romance, however, is about excitement and mystery, and even though we may think marriage kills mystery (a thought that usually arrives the first time one of you decides closing the bathroom door is optional), it actually deepens it. Early in our relationship, it was just exciting that he wanted to get to know me. Now I find myself often filled with excitement and awe at the fact that he already knows so much about me and yet still loves me and loves being with me!

Because of this, I have found all the little things Gary does to show his love have taken on an increasingly deeper meaning as the years go by. The way he seeks me out as soon as he gets home from work, sends me smiles across the room when we’re out at a gathering, or takes great delight in giving me an unexpected gift—he is constantly reminding me that I am loved and cherished, and it feels so much more romantic than any date we had before we were married.

Gary – Yes. I think when it comes to romance, we need to remember that healthy, loving relationships get better over time, not worse. When we were first married (and even dating) our romance was new and exciting, but also kind of awkward. Now it’s a lot smoother and our playful banter back-and-forth is much more satisfying as well because we know each other well. The same thing goes for physical intimacy. The more we get to know each other, the better things have become. I guess in response to your statement though, I would agree and say to keep pursuing your spouse. Make them the first person you “go-to”, find, share things with, etc. The investment is well worth it.

I am sure you never argue, never fight, and just have this amazing perfect marriage. 

Jessica – Uh, no. We argue often and we most certainly do not have a perfect marriage! But I’m really glad we argue. We’re different people and have different thoughts, opinions, and ways of looking at the world, so of course, we will disagree sometimes! To have a marriage without arguments would mean we were living in denial and without any real intimacy between us.

It does matter how we argue, though, and we have learned a lot about how to talk through our disagreements. Most of the time now we’re able to come to a consensus fairly quickly, but there are, of course, some arguments that take longer than others! The ones that occur late at night are often the most difficult because, just like everyone else, we usually become significantly less reasonable when we’re tired. We never follow a rule of “work things out before you go to sleep” because we’ve learned there are some arguments that can’t be worked out until we’ve had some sleep!

Gary – I feel the need to clarify Jessica’s comment about working things out before we sleep (is this an argument??). I think we have always tried to work things out before heading to bed, but when it gets to the point where we’re exhausted, we acknowledge that sleep will actually help to solve the issue at hand. It’s our commitment to each other—and to work out our problems—that is what has been a priority for us. This comes back to our “divorce is not an option” caveat to our marriage. When there is no other way, we’re forced to find a solution or be stuck in a miserable living situation.

Anything you want to say to your younger selves?

Gary – Marriage is not so much about what you get out of it, but what you put into it. It’s a bit cliché, but true. Focusing on your own life and making it better will just end up making it worse. I would also tell myself to pay attention to your wife. The more you know about her, the more you can love her and help her. When she is loved and supported, she blossoms. Also, getting married is just the beginning. It’s not “done” now, so keep working together and doing life together.

Jessica – I would say that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Yes, you love him now, but as you keep intentionally moving towards each other, you will get to experience a depth of love you can’t even imagine right now. It won’t ever be fully easy, but it will get easier and for every night that you go to bed in tears, you will have three times as many where you fall asleep full of indescribable joy and gratitude for the love you have found. Hold on and enjoy the process!

Who is the more romantic, humbler, more gentle, kind, and passionate?

Jessica – Oh boy. Does it sound too evasive if I say “it depends”? Because it honestly does! Although I think Gary is actually the more romantic one pretty much all the time. He’s pretty great at that!

Gary – I’m definitely humbler! Seriously though, I think I am more romantic (or at least lean in that direction more than Jessica). Jessica is certainly more passionate and gentler. We’re both even on the kindness meter.

What are some nice romantic restaurants in Vancouver?

Jessica – We are probably the worst people to ask that question because for us the answer would be “any restaurant we’re at without our kids”! We do really like Cactus Club though. It’s a great date night spot!

Gary – Yeah, we’re not foodies at all and hardly have a chance to get out. We do love take-out wings and breadsticks from Pizza Hut after the kids go to bed though!

Tell me something funny that has happened in your marriage?

Gary Powell – Our whole marriage has been pretty funny! We often say our home life is kind of like a sitcom and we laugh at ourselves a lot. It helps not to take things too seriously. That said, my attempt at taking maternity “beach photos” of Jessica when she was 8-months pregnant was pretty funny. The waves kept crashing and pushing her over and let’s just say the words “beached whale” may have come out of my lips! (One more piece of advice for newly married couples—I do have pre-approval to share that story!).

The post The Powell’s: Love Advice appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Dating is a stage in a romantic relationship, where two people meet to assess each other’s suitability as a future partner.

The Feast of St. Valentine, St. Valentine’s Day, or Valentine’s Day is celebrated annually on February 14. It started as a Christian festival to honor the Christian Martyrdom of St. Valentine. February 14 has become an important cultural, commercial and religious celebration globally about love and romance.

Pastor Mark Strickland is the Senior Pastor at Milton Bible Church. I catch up with him to give us some advice on dating and marriage.

Pastor Mark, welcome to my blog.  Tell my audience something important about you?

Thanks, Jerry!  I don’t think of myself as being that important!  What I believe is important is investing in other people and having a strong faith to guide your decisions in life!  That compass of faith, for me, has kept me grounded and has been a reservoir of strength in our marriage.

Mark, during what part of the dating process did you know that Wendy was the one for you?

When Wendy and I were dating, she said something one day that made me realize it.  She said that she respected me and that even if we didn’t always see eye to eye of things, she would support me in life.  The irony of what she said is that it made me want to see eye to eye with her and I value her perspective.  By Wendy being willing to respect me with no strings attached, I actually ended up respecting her more.  The Apostle Paul sums it up in Ephesians 5:21, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  If you can find someone who will do this with you, they just might be the one!

I am sure dating was just fine with no problems and everything was smooth?

Haha, yes?  Wendy and I had known each other for several years as friends.  This helped because we had an idea of what we were getting into when we started dating.  Another thing, looking back on it, is that we both held similar core convictions around faith and life, as did our families.  When you’re dating a person and you’re on the same page in several facets of life, it helps with the “smoothness”.  There were some minor things along the way to work on, mostly on my end, but overall we were very similar which helped us a lot.  When I counsel younger people today, I encourage them to date others who they know they can “be on the same page” with, in terms of convictions and core values.

Marriage changes you forever. How have you changed over the years?

I have less hair!

Honestly, I think marriage (and kids) makes you less selfish.  It’s not about you.  It’s about us.  Almost every decision I make usually factors my marriage into the equation.  I’ve said no to really good things so I can say yes to a better thing: my family.

Marriage has its ups and downs. However, we have to make it through. Help me understand that in your situation?

We are one of those couples that don’t have a dramatic up and down moment or anything.  That doesn’t make us better or worse, it’s just our story.  When we were dating and got engaged, we made a covenant to each other that divorce would never be an option.  For us, that commitment underpins our whole marriage.  We don’t even think “we have to make through” because not making it through isn’t an option on the table.  Although we’ve never had to use counseling for marriage, I absolutely endorse it to couples who are struggling and would use it if required.  Do whatever it takes to work on yourself and ultimately work on your marriage.

Give the younger generation some tips on how to be a good husband and father?

Think about the other person.  Be a team player for your family.  My job is Sunday-Thursday, Wendy’s is Monday-Friday.  I have Friday’s off.  For some guys that would mean playing golf, sleeping, video games, etc.  That’s not a family/team mentality.  My Friday look’s like this: pick up groceries, clean the house, pay bills, take kids, cars, animals to appointments.  Wendy is the same.  Our mentality is when you see something that needs to get done, do it.  Be a team.  We’ve brought our kids into this, too.  Our oldest son helps his sisters with homework, the kids help with chores on Saturday morning, etc.  They don’t always love it, and Wendy and I don’t always enjoy the stuff we do.  But that’s a part of what character is about – perseverance.  The Bible puts it this way in James 1 – “Perseverance must finish it’s work so you are mature and complete.”  Persevere and be a team player.

Romance needs to be kept alive in a marriage…..explain?

You shouldn’t really ever stop dating and being romantic.  I’m no Romeo but I try to bring flowers home for Wendy regularly, I try to publicly praise her, and we do our best to go on dates regularly.  We make it a habit to get away for a couple of weekends a year, which is always a highlight.  Some older couples are all mushy and overly cheesy about romance.  Wendy and I don’t do that – it makes us feel uncomfortable!  But we love each other deeply, which keeps romance constant in our marriage.

I am sure you never argue, never fight, and just have this amazing perfect marriage.

True.  Okay, not true!  We fight from time to time, as do most couples.  Sometimes you’ll hear people say, “always resolve a fight before you go to bed.”  It’s based on this verse in Ephesians 6, “don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”  We took it literally for the first couple years of our marriage and it led to some brutal late-night arguments.  What we learned about us (and this will be different for every couple) is that we actually often need to go to bed and by the time we wake up whatever we were fighting about seems trivial and we apologize and move on.  The principle is to deal with your anger/fights.  It doesn’t mean you have to stay up till 3 am figuring that out.  Just make sure it’s dealt within a reasonable time – don’t let the sun go down on a fight so that it festers in your heart.

Anything you want to say to your younger self?

Before having kids, go see a gazillion movies in the theaters.

How are food, faith, finance, and family important to you?

That’s a big question.

Food is essential for life.  Wendy and I’s relationship with food has changed over the years, probably for the better.  In our younger days we would eat out a lot, and freestyle grocery shopping and meals.  These days we make a weekly food plan, build out a shopping list, and usually buy groceries online and pick them up at the curb.  It gives us more time together (you can order on the couch watching TV) and gives me more time on Fridays for family things (take 5 minutes to pick up the groceries).

Faith, as you’ve picked up in this interview, is core to our identity.  The only person we love more than each other is God.  That might sound weird, but when you consider that God is the only perfect being who will never let you down, it’s important to find your identity and meaning in Him first.  Out of the strength of who God is, and a relationship with Him, you will be a better spouse to each other.  In all my years as a pastor, I’ve never met a couple who’ve said, “going to church and being a Christian made our life and our family worse!”

Finances for us have been a journey but we’ve developed a system that works.  We practice a monthly budget and allot specific amounts in different categories.  This allows us to save for a few months at a time to buy larger purchases while guaranteeing we have our monthly and in and out money for gas, groceries, kids stuff, etc.  We aren’t chasing money or riches.  Everything we have is God’s, and He just asks us to use the resources in our care wisely.  That’s our goal.

Family, well family is great.  We are the kind of family that likes to do life together.  Even if just Wendy or I could run out to the store and get something, we’ll take everyone and make it an adventure.  We make sure our kids hear that we love them daily, and do what we can to support their dreams, skills, and interests.  We really try to protect our family dinner table.  We eat at the table, TV is off, phones are away, and we make it about our day and our lives.  It’s a time for conversation and sharing of life.  If there’s one thing every family can do that will set kids up for success, eat dinner together, as much as possible.

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I am sorry, I hurt you, I apologize

This week I received a message on FB Messenger. I recognized the name. It just said how are you. The person also wanted to add me as a friend on FB. I replied I was fine. He then went on to apologize for something that had happened more than two decades ago.

I was in a wedding party. After the couple had danced, it was time for the groomsmen and the bridesmaids to join them. I just went and sat down. One of the bridesmaids came up to me and said we should dance. As we started to dance, I noticed someone pushed me and started attacking me. It was the husband of the bridesmaid. Over the years the groom and I did have a laugh about the situation.

The Apology

The husband had sent me a message because he wanted to apologize. I told him it was OK. It was time to move on.

I admired him. It took guts, humility, and vulnerability.

Some of us have hurt other people. Some of us have been hurt by other people. A classmate at high school or university, a colleague, a boss, close friends, and family.

An apology is a good idea

An apology is a social act, a nuance to be polite, to pay homage, and show compassion towards the wronged person. It is important for our physical, mental, and emotional health.

An apology is an amazing idea if you have caused pain to another person. It results in you communicating with the other person and connecting with them. An apology validates the other person’s feelings and lets them know you care for them. It creates a safety net. You have repaired the relationship and have made the other person comfortable around you.

Validation is the acceptance and understanding of the other person’s feelings. The other person got hurt or scared by your actions. This kind of validation is curative.

Apologizing creates boundaries and rules around the relationship going into the future. You need to take responsibility for where you were wrong. Your actions caused pain and hurt someone.

Apologies restore dignity for the person you hurt. It tells the other person that your toxic behavior is not OK.

An apology is important to social order as it allows us to restore ourselves when we hurt someone.

Apology and empathy are linked together

In order for me to forgive the person who attacked me at the wedding, I had to have empathy, kindness and compassion for him. His apology paved the way for me to see him in a more compassionate way. His humble apology made it easier for me to forgive him. I all of a sudden developed a deep respect for him and saw him from a different perspective. The anger and bitterness I had felt that night melted. I saw him as a broken human being. He was human. There was this emotional healing and it allowed me to move on rather than being stuck in the past.

Motive, demeanor, and a meaningful apology

The motive and demeanor are two crucial aspects of an apology. When done in person, the motive and demeanor are communicated nonverbally. There needs to be sincerity about it. If not it has no meaning to the other person. The sincerity must come from deep within to be meaningful to the other person. An empty apology is manipulative.

An intentional apology, along with sincerity and meaning is powerful and transformative for the receiver and the giver.

Do not apologize if you are being forced to or you want something from the other person. Never make a bad promise. The goal of an apology is to press reset on the relationship and to build trust. It also conveys the message that you are aware of your behavior, actions and will try your level best not to repeat it again.

A meaningful apology must come with a pang of regret, obligation, and corrective action. You must come to terms with the fact that your actions hurt someone, communicate it, and acknowledge the breach you caused. You must take full responsibility for your actions and finally communicate that you will not repeat that toxic behavior.

In 2026, we need to apologize a lot more. We need to reach to those we have hurt and make a difference in their lives. It will transform you and the other person.

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Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions. – Dalai Lama XIV

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin

Introduction

Philosophers, scientists, and intellectuals have agonized over the years as to what happiness is. On a personal basis, happiness is not being high all the time or feeling ecstatic, being rich, or sitting on a yacht in Cannes.

When my daughter was young, we would go on long drives, and every few minutes she would ask, “Are we there yet?” Happiness is not the final destination.

In my opinion, happiness is being satisfied with where you are in life.

The pursuit of happiness is a goal for a lot of people. From my perspective and life experiences, here are some secrets to achieving happiness and contentment in life.

Never compare yourself to anyone

Our five fingers are not the same. Each snowflake is individual and unique. Every human being is unique and rare. All human beings have strengths, weaknesses, and gifts. Therefore, it is no use comparing your status, wealth, titles, education, or achievements. Each individual has their own story and challenges. Life does not flow the way we want.

Accept life is unfair

The sun shines on everyone. Good things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to good people. That is life. Never fight it. Above all, we are all on this boat called life. On the sea, there will be good days; there will be weeks of high waves rocking you and there could be a hurricane. Life throws all kinds of things at you which can seem unfair at times, for instance.

Practice gratitude daily

I went to a private British boarding school then went to university in Switzerland and now live in Canada. The truth is until I met Debbie I did not know how to spell gratitude. Gratitude is a choice. A person who is grateful appreciates that there is value in something which is extrinsic, cannot put a monetary value to it, and is free. Over the last ten years, I start my day by being grateful to be alive, in good health, Debbie, Jean, my parents, amazing friends, and a great life. In other words, it has changed me and I am not the same person that I was a decade ago.

Forgive daily

This is my biggest weakness. However, if you want to be in any form of a relationship as a father, husband, son, friend, or mentor, you have to forgive. Forgiveness is letting go of the past. It is about setting boundaries. We cannot have resentments or want compensation for the loss or hurt caused by others. Forgiveness is not letting people take advantage of you, ignoring the offense, or condoning it. This is a work in progress for me. I have not mastered forgiveness completely.

It is critical to living our lives in love, peace, being patient, kind, gentle, and having compassion. I am by nature impatient. I have a long way to go in being compassionate.

Volunteer and give to charity

Research has shown that giving to charity and volunteering activates the pleasure centers in the brain. When we volunteer our time to an organization it makes us realize how lucky we are. I remember volunteering in the Out of the Cold Program. It really made me realize how lucky I was to have a roof over my head. When I give to charity, it makes me realize, I am making a difference. It gives meaning to my life. Try it. You never know if happiness awaits you.

Do not have unrealistic expectations

If you want to destroy your relationship with your parents, brother, sister, wife, children, and co-workers then you can do it by having unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations are unhealthy because it sets others and us for failure. It is assuming a level of control that we do not have in a situation.

I am a recovering perfectionist. Over the last five years, this is something I have grown the most. It has allowed me to be free. I am less demanding, less judgmental, more empathetic, and loving.

Deal with issues in life

I am a big believer in living a balanced life. The physical, mental, emotional, financial, and psychological self must all be in harmony. We must accept our brokenness. We must be humble and realize we are no better. We all have issues we need to deal with. It could be our ego, insecurities, anger, impatience, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and other issues. We need to face them and deal with them. The more I understand my own brokenness and am in touch with it on a daily basis; it makes me a better human being.

Connect with your family and friends often

Humans are meant to connect. We are meant for relationships. We thrive when we are in healthy relationships. Research has shown that those people who have supportive friends and family tend to be less anxious and depressed.

Over the last 18 months, I have lost four close friends. It has been tough and challenging. However, it is my ecosystem of relationships that have sustained me through this tough time.

Focus on goals

It is important to have goals in every area of your life. Every year I write down my goals. It could be a simple thing like I need to read more books. Goals keep us focused.

Try new things and pursue your passion

Before I met Debbie, I had never gone on an all-inclusive. I just never saw myself as just lying on the beach. I have gone on more than ten beach vacations all over the Caribbean. It has opened up my mind. I have also decided to pursue my passion for becoming a writer. It excites me. I have all these topics that I want to write about. I am focused and passionate about making this a full-time job.

It is important to understand that happiness should not be the goal. It is the byproduct of my doing all the things on a consistent basis. There are times when I have failed miserably. There are times; I have wanted to give up. But I just bounce back the next day.

Good luck and write back to me as to how some of these points have helped you to achieve contentment and happiness in your life.

The post 10 Secrets to Happiness appeared first on Four Columns of a Balanced Life.

Casey Palmer is one of Canada’s most influential blogger and the creator behind Casey Palmer, Canadian Dad – Consistently Inconsistent. Casey has included Four Columns among his list of Canadian Dad Influencers – The Dads Out There Telling Their Stories.

I am grateful to be on this list, grateful to be a dad, and will persevere to be real, vulnerable, and authentic.

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A Valuable Lesson on Hope

Carolyn Gerber Hofauer created a meal train for us in April of this year. I love to volunteer, love to give, and for the first time in my life, I am on the receiving end. Gerry Bell challenged me to ask for help as Debbie is fighting cancer. The truth is I am blessing them by allowing them to serve me. A tough concept for me but I embrace it.

Telesforo Rodas and his daughter River are the second people to drop food for us. I come back from work and Debbie tells me a father and daughter team dropped food for us. Debbie shows me a rock with hope and love painted on it. I take the rock and place it outside our home.  A few weeks later they bring another meal. This time there are Hope, Love, and Faith on the stone painted by Lyrica Dunnett, Sky Rodas and River Rodas. I do not know the Rodas family personally, nor do I know them by name. A while later I post on a forum thanking the community for providing us with meals. I also ask for the name of the father-daughter team that delivered the meal and painted hope and love on the stone. Lisa Rodas replies saying it was her husband and daughter.

The previous week Devon Dienesch’s daughter drew a few words of encouragement. Debbie takes that with her every time she goes for chemo.

As my wife battles cancer, COVID on the rise, and the economy in shambles, will my grit, optimism, self-efficacy, ability, soft skills or talent get me through these challenging times?

There is a reason River has written HOPE on this stone. What is she trying to tell me? What is her message? Why now?

What is hope? How can we use it in our lives? What are the humanistic, psychological, and spiritual connotations of hope? How do I use hope to get through these challenging times? Is it some vague spiritual concept? Or some esoteric framework designed in the ivory towers of academia. As I navigate hope in my own life, I want to look at it from a spiritual, humanist, and psychological perspective.

Charles Snyder in the Hope Theory posits that hope consists of agency and pathways. Hope helps the individual with the will to overcome the hurdles in life and provides various ways to overcome it. Liz Day in her research states that hope is linked to divergent thinking. Rebecca Gorres in her research on situational hope found that it leads to divergent thinking and different ways to cope with problems in life. She clearly differentiates between hope, self-efficacy, and optimism. Philip Magaletta and J. Oliver in their research found that hope is superior to self-efficacy and optimism.

Sure, professors can write about this stuff in the towers of academia. I am hurting. I am struggling. I could lose my wife. So many of my close friends are divorced. I have worked so hard on my marriage. I could lose her before my 19th anniversary. Life is not fair.

Lawrence Rifkin in Humanist Magazine talks about “The humanist worldview is filled with hope. We may be made of matter, but we decide what matters. It is through meaningful human action that a blank computer screen can become a poem, that slavery can become freedom. We can help others, alleviate suffering, and experience beauty. Humanism is not just the rejection of an idea. Humanism is an affirmation. It is a positive, clear-eyed response to our one world. It is saying ‘yes’, not saying ‘no.’”

This answer does not help me personally. Abstract philosophical concepts are too abstract for me when I am hurting. There is no substitute for love.

Lawrence Rifkin when pushed for providing hope for the hurting and the despondent states clearly that ‘humanism is not about hope. It’s about facing the world as it actually exists and making the best of it.’ I like how Rifkin does end his essay by saying get together with someone who is hurting, listen to them, and encourage them.

Hinduism looks at hope with Pratidhi which is a desire or a wish for something good to happen. Ok. I get it. Should I just wish for Debbie’s cancer to disappear?

Seyed Shirvani talks about hope in the Quran through the prism of Raja, Amal, and Tamanna. Raja means waiting for something, Amal means a desire and Tamanna means to make a request. I want the healing to happen now. I want the pain, suffering, and invasive treatments to stop.

From a Jewish perspective, Jonathan Sacks explains it best ‘Western civilization is the product of two cultures: ancient Greece and ancient Israel. The Greeks believed in fate: the future is determined by the past. Jews believed in freedom: there is no ‘evil decree’ that cannot be averted. The Greeks gave the world the concept of tragedy. Jews gave it the idea of hope. The whole of Judaism – though it would take a book to show it – is a set of laws and narratives designed to create in people, families, communities, and a nation, habits that defeat despair. Judaism is the voice of hope in the conversation of mankind’.

The three theological virtues of Christianity are faith, hope, and love. River, Sky, and Lyrica you got me.

From the Christian perspective, Psalm 42:5 says Hope in God! For an independent, rebellious, broken, and messed up individual like me this ‘hoping in God’ concept does not come naturally. However, I have to drill it into my inner psyche.

Biblical hope gives me an emotional shock absorber to handle the wrong, be loving, and not get caught up in a victim mentality or self-pity. With Debbie battling cancer, the emotional engine allows me to persevere.

Hope is an eagerness for something favorable to happen in the future. Biblical hope is not just eagerness for Debbie to get healed but being confident about it and expecting it to happen. There is moral credence in it. What River was telling me is just do not cross your fingers that Debbie will get healed but expect great things from the Creator. I looked at Hebrews 6:9-12 ‘each one of you to show the same earnestness in realizing the full assurance of hope until the end’. I cannot afford to be lethargic but be zealous and pursue the full assurance of hope.

River, I have my doubts. Can I have this hope? Does it prepare me to see my wife ravaged by cancer? The role of a caretaker is tough and challenging.

Doubt is the natural adversary of biblical faith. Hope is an integral part of faith. OK, River, you got me. I give up.

As we get older, we have to embrace pain, suffering, disappointment, and things not going as planned. The more you embrace these issues the better you will do. In a matter of weeks, Debbie was diagnosed with cancer, had a mastectomy, a job offer for me was rescinded due to COVID, the fridge broke down, the fence broke and we had a major infestation in our house caused by a box given to us.

I really had to have the attitude of ‘what now’ instead of ‘why me’. I had to be grateful and focus on the positive. I had to be resilient. Finally, I had to focus on hope. As a man of faith, I had to accept my brokenness. When you are broken, the light comes in. The light gives you hope.

I do not know the Rodas family. It was the thought of one young girl in her innocence to get the ball rolling that challenged me to my core. Thank you, River, Sky, and Lyrica. The stones are outside for everyone to see. Every day before I enter my house, I read the words on those stones. I am encouraged, strengthened, lifted high, and it has changed me forever. Your one act has created a ripple that will have an everlasting impact.

As you read this, I hope your reservoir is overflowing like Niagara Falls, deep down in the dam of your soul, the hydroelectric generator of peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, forgiveness, and unconditional love will churn the new power of glory and help you to have hope to deal with the postmodern dystopian world of pain and darkness.

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In a few weeks, I will be completing 19 years of marriage. I do not have a formula, but I do have marriage tips.

On the day of my marriage, if you had told me that within five years, five men in my wedding party, the minister that did the premarital counseling, the DJ, and the MC at my wedding would all get divorced, I would say seriously? But that is the truth.

Am I better because I have been married for 19 years? No. Am I perfect? No. Do I have everything figured out? No. However, I do ask many couples for their marriage tips.

I dated Debbie for nearly two years. I have to be honest. Many people questioned my choice. However, I knew myself and my gaps. Debbie filled those gaps.

On the day of my marriage, I had hair, abs chiseled by playing squash three times a week, working out, and swimming. 19 years later, the hair is gone, there is more blubber than abs, and I am the caretaker as cancer ravages Debbie.

Marriage is a marathon. It is a long drive on the highway. The tire has burst for me. Now what? Give up and walk away. Yell, scream, and shout why me?

I think about Debbie going through a C section for Jean. I think about Debbie taking care of Jean while I was doing my MBA. I was thinking of many times Debbie would get up at 4 am, shovel the snow, so I can leave home at 6.45 am.

Marriage is hard work. It is not a transactional business. Going to church does not protect you. You have to be intentional to work on your marriage.

If you see a successful hockey, basketball, or baseball player, they became successful by putting in many, many hours of hard work and sacrificed along the way.

It’s the same in marriage. There is no instant formula or magic. You get what you put into it. There you go, another tip on marriage.

I am super excited about having Betsy Kerekes. Betsy Kerekes is the author of Be a Happier Parent or Laugh Trying and coauthor of 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage and 101 Tips for Marrying the Right Person. Her professional experience includes public relations for Franciscan University of Steubenville, proofreading for Patrick Madrid’s Envoy magazine, and contributing to Aleteia, MercatorNet, Catholic Lane, Catholic Exchange, CatholicMom.com, The Southern Cross, and Creative Minority Report. Kerekes serves as editor and director of online publications at the Ruth Institute, where she writes weekly newsletters and manages the blog. She telecommutes from her home near San Diego, where she homeschools her four children and blogs about her parenting adventures at parentingisfunny.wordpress.com. Betsy offers her ten favorite marriage tips.

COVID has made a lot of people stuck at home together when they previously had more space and alone time. Tempers can run high under stressful circumstances. For all couples, married or otherwise, here are ten of my favorite tips from 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage.

1. Enjoy the warm fuzzy feelings, but don’t feel cheated if they go away. Feelings are fleeting. “I like the way I feel with this person” is not enough to sustain a marriage for a lifetime.

People often get divorced because they simply fall out of love with each other. “The chemistry is gone,” they say. It’s impossible to stay madly in love 24/7, but simple reminders of your feelings for each other (past and present) can help keep the flame alive. Read old journals from when you first met. Leave love notes for each other. Make up a scavenger hunt with a romantic prize at the end. The possibilities are endless, and falling in love with the same person can be just as exhilarating the second, third, and twelfth time around.

2. Take responsibility for meeting your own needs. You can take care of yourself. Know that you will be okay, no matter what your spouse chooses to do or not do.

Knock yourself out of the mindset that your spouse has often done this or that for you, and therefore should always do those things for you. Sometimes that just won’t be possible, and that’s okay, because you’re a big kid. You will survive, even if it means squishing the big spider yourself, pulling the chair over to reach the top shelf on your own, or cooking for yourself. It may mean listening to “Eye of the Tiger” several times in advance, but you can do it.

3. Make a decision to take care of household issues that really matter to you. You won’t need to nag your spouse about something truly important to you because you will be solving the problem yourself.

Believe it or not, social scientists have studied the question of housework: who does it, who complains about it, and what difference it makes. Study after study shows that women are happier when they feel appreciated for their contributions, and men are happier when they don’t feel nagged. So, if the housework is nagging at you, don’t nag at each other! Just take care of it! And if your spouse takes care of something, say thank you.

4. Practice giving to your spouse. “I’m getting up to get a cup of coffee. Can I get something for you?”

Anticipate your spouse’s needs. If you notice your spouse’s cup is half empty (or half full, if you prefer), get up for more before your spouse even notices he or she is running low. It will make him or her happy and even bring delight to your own heart when you know you’ve done a good deed. Remember, it’s those little unexpected things that carry the most weight.

5. Relinquish control of small issues. You will be building up the feeling of teamwork within your home. You will feel a lot less stressed yourself if you let go of the need to win on trivial issues. And you’ll be in a much stronger position to stand your ground when the two of you disagree over something really important.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff, or you’ll drown in it.” In a marriage, it’s critical to recognize the small stuff and to remember what is the biggest: your relationship. Don’t raise your blood pressure because she ate the last of the mint chocolate chip ice cream or because he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle instead of the end. But really, in the little debates, the one who feels less strongly on the matter should simply give in to the other. Keep the peace, and keep your spouse.

6. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, even in your mind. If you find yourself mentally rehearsing your grudges, change the subject. Harboring negative thoughts will make you sour.

Have you ever taken a picture of someone right as they sneezed? Those pictures never turn out well. And sometimes when we talk, we say something we didn’t actually mean; it didn’t come outright. Sometimes we’re just having an off day and speak or act more harshly than we normally would. If your spouse does something out of the ordinary, in a hurtful sort of way, he or she may just be having an off day. Give him or her some space and time, and think of that incident as the moment when he or she sneezed as the picture snapped. Throw the photo, and the incident, out of your mind.

7. Accept the fact that each of you is good at a different set of things and cares about a different set of things.

I hate football season. I absolutely dread it every year. To make things worse, it often begins on or around my birthday. For my husband, however, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Consequently, I must endure countless monologues about quarterbacks, linebackers, conferences, stats, and other information that filters loosely through my mind while I try to figure out what to make for dinner. As much as it pains me to endure this useless information, I know that he loves to talk football, and I’m the only person around, short of an imaginary friend, who will listen even remotely. With your loved ones, you make allowances. That’s just the way it is.

8. Plan another time to discuss the issue or solve the problem you’re fighting about.

Certain times just aren’t good for arguments. Late at night, right before dinner when you’re both hungry, or when company is over are obvious examples. “Don’t go to bed angry” is not the best advice. Chances are, you won’t be thinking clearly or rationally when you’re tired. Sometimes, it’s better to postpone the inevitable discussion so that each of you can have time to cool off and think out your position rationally. Just remember that when you do return to the war room, be honest, open, and willing to listen.

9. Sing. We often “get stuck” on a negative idea during a fight. Neuroscience has shown that singing helps us use both halves of the brain. Singing helps you get “unstuck.”

You may find yourself starting off with “These boots are made for walking” or “Any man of mine better walk the line,” but after a while, you’ll be able to move yourself on from the thwarted romance genre to a sappy love song, preferably a duet.

I have friends who sing their arguments or speak with an accent so they don’t take themselves, or each other, too seriously. It also helps them get over it sooner. Try it sometime.

10. Allow yourself to enjoy your spouse’s surprises. He or she contributes to your household in all sorts of ways that might never occur to you. “I didn’t think of playing games with the children. I was focused on chores, and you created some pleasure in our home. Thank you.”

It’s good every once in a while to do something spontaneous. It keeps the marriage fresh and lively. Be happy to receive such actions and open to doing them yourself. Pay attention, also, to the nonspontaneous but wonderful things your spouse does all the time that you may take for granted. The example in this tip also reminds us to occasionally take a break from the daily grind and to appreciate what really matters.

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