How to Deal With a Friends Suicide

Quotes on suicide

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem – Phil Donahue

You’ll seldom experience regret for anything that you’ve done. It is what you haven’t done that will torment you. The message, therefore, is clear. Do it! Develop an appreciation for the present moment. Seize every second of your life and savor it. Value your present moments. Using them up in any self-defeating ways means you’ve lost them forever – Wayne Dyer

There is often in people to whom ‘the worst’ has happened almost transcendent freedom, for they have faced ‘the worst’ and survived it -Carol Pearson

Skeletons in the closet

We all have skeletons in the closet. Those things we hide from everyone. We do not want anyone to know about it. It is in the attic. The best locks protect it.

Disappointments

Disappointments have a major effect on us. The tall, dark, handsome husband walked out on you. The model, who was so lithe and lissome left you for another man. The high school quarterback who was so romantic, now after two decades of marriage is a fat slob. The career is going nowhere. The business deal fell through. Married but cannot have kids. The list goes on.

Have you ever had a demon? A chimera so huge that even an army could not slay.

I was living the dream life. I was barely a teenager and in my first-year university in Switzerland. I had finished my stage (co-op placement, internship) at Hotel De la Paix in Geneva and with all the tips, I was loaded.

I always wanted to backpack Europe.

I had three free weeks before the second year and I flew first class to London.

I registered at the youth hostel and hit the London Tube. On my very first day after the second stop, I get a tap on the shoulder. I look back and it is S. Sidha. ‘Hey Jerry, do you remember me, from BCS’.

You see in boarding school I remembered juniors by three criteria:

• Those that had cute sister’s at Auckland, Convent of Jesus and Mary, St Bede’s or somewhere else
• Those that were foreigners like me at school
• The Christians as there were only 5 of us

Sidha with his crispy English accent came under the second category.

‘Of course dude, I remember.’

After a small chat, he told me that my best friend Ajoy Hakim had committed suicide.

Wow! Wow! Wow! Hold on a second.

I met Ajoy in grade 11. Why did we become such good friends? Maybe we were outsiders. He was the teacher’s son. It could be we were both “Christians”. Perhaps we loved books, art, and the theatre.  Maybe I looked at him through different lenses. There were many times, I would question my own presence at BCS.

I remember us going up the mountains. We would light up a Dunhill. We talked about Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. We were idealists. We would be graduating soon. We were on the cusp of greatness. Freedom at last.

After doing our grade 12 exams, we backpacked India for a month. Nothing prepares you for the Taj Mahal. You study about it. It is deep in your psyche. You transcend into another world. I was only 17 then.

We went to Lucknow. His aunt was the principal of a boarding school. Did I mention a girl’s boarding school?  It was my first exposure to real Mughlai cuisine.

After our short sojourn, it was time to say goodbye. We knew it would be a while before we would see each other. Both of us knew that we would be fighting the establishment that believes in becoming doctors, lawyers, and engineers. Little did I know, that it would be the last time I would see Ajoy.

Early in life, we follow it mapped out by ego, a path of ambition, competition, striving, and achievement. At mid-life, we question the direction we are heading. We yearn to find our true calling. And you have to be willing to meet the demon.

The very thought of going back to visit school brought a shudder up my spine. Did I really want to deal with seeing all the places? Was it worth the trip?

We were the first batch of grade 12. However, we were orphans. No trace of us existed.

I was the president of the Old Cottonian Association in Canada. I did not want to return to school.

As we entered the Facebook world it all changed. I spoke to Arun Sawhney and got the ball rolling. He told me he never went back to school for ten years. He was escaping. Nevertheless, in life, you have to face your demons. You have to be that David and cut the head of Goliath. Look at the positive and focus on that.

Asheesh Santram’s email was the deal maker. He talked about renewing our bonds.

I called him.  He was Ajoy’s cousin. He gave me the breakdown of what had happened. I felt like he was the psychotherapist. One by one, he was breaking down the tendons and letting the blood flow. The blood brings rich nutrients that result in healing. I am not sure why I waited that long to make the call. He provided me with Anup Hakim’s cell number.

Anup was Ajoy’s older brother. He was teaching at school. I called him. This was the catharsis. Anup did not recognize me at first. However, he got it. He called me the boy who was always with Ajoy. We talked about how he had directed both the plays for Lefroy House.

We laughed about many issues. I finally asked him about his parents. He explained to me the whole story. He was not sure whether to take his parents’ accident a positive or negative. Would he have abandoned them when they became old and fragile?

I finally asked him about Ajoy. I told him this issue had bogged me for a quarter of a century. I was trying to track him down all along. It was refreshing to talk to Anup. He was the surgeon who had taken the thorn from my flesh.

I finally let it go. I was free from the bondage of guilt. I had felt like Hercules carrying this weight. It felt light.

Only ten of us graduated from grade 12. After seven years, three had died. In my grade 11 picture, I am standing between the other three.

I have stopped asking why. I deal with what now.

In life, we go through experiences to keep us humble. Hubris is a cousin of success.

The oven bakes you to add flavor. To become a butterfly the larvae have to break through the cocoon. We have to go through storms. It helps us appreciate things better.

I was looking at BCS through myopic eyes. One cannot let one incident mar your view. I cannot paint the whole canvas with one stroke. I was looking at the glass half empty.

I forgot to mention that I met one of my closest friends Ash Virk. Anup Bhalaik was one of the nicest persons I have ever come across.

Life is an art as much as a science. It is a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes in our youth, the cabal judges us by that sprint.

BCS was an experience that embedded our names and lives into history. We are concatenated. I look forward to the renewing of bonds and reawaken the good that came from school.