Healthy Anger, Boundaries & Eating

Healthy anger, healthy boundaries, and healthy eating are a holistic approach to life. I interviewed Dr. Valerie Fitzpatrick in February 2019. This interview is a favorite among my readers. Valerie is a chiropractor, a great listener and helps patients deal with the effects of life-long stressors and traumas like abandonment, financial stress, bullying, divorce, immigration, and codependence. These can have a negative impact on a patient’s current health issues.

In this interview, we go into detail on expressing healthy anger, the importance of healthy boundaries, attachment to safe people, eating healthy and pursuing a passion. Dr. Fitzpatrick gets real, vulnerable and honest about her own challenges in understanding some of these issues. Relax, have your favorite drink and read this interview a couple of times. Please comment on what made sense to you in this interview and if there is anything else you want Valerie to cover in our next interview. 

Valerie, in our last interview together, you mentioned the importance of expressing healthy anger. Please explain? 

Yes, expressing anger can be so healthy for the mind and the body.  Anger is often maligned, regarded as a bad or negative emotion. People often repress it, deny that it is even there, or hold it in for so long that they become sick. I have learned that expressing anger and getting it out can be healthy. I am not talking about acting out your anger, which is not healthy.  Acting out hurts others and does nothing to actually discharge or reduce your stress. Repression of anger hurts your body and has actually been linked to some cancers and some autoimmune diseases. A great book on this topic is “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress” by Dr. Gabor Maté.

When I was going through a very challenging time in my life, it was a huge breakthrough for me to recognize the anger that I had, and to start expressing it in a healthy way. Discovering my anger really put a fire back in my soul. There were obviously some things that I couldn’t change for myself and my daughter, but there were some things that I still had control over. Anger helped me take my power back. I didn’t want to live in quiet resignation or as a victim.

Really there are no bad emotions, just badly expressed emotions. The therapist Dr. Joann Peterson said that anger is the energy Mother Nature gives us as little kids to stand forward on our own behalf and say I matter. She said that the difference between the healthy energy of anger and the hurtful energy of emotional and physical violence is that anger respects boundaries. Standing forward on your own behalf does not invade anyone else’s boundaries. She wrote a great little book called, “A Book about Anger, Boundaries and Safety”.

I liked that you mentioned the importance of healthy boundaries and attachment to safe people. What did you mean by those comments?

These were important lessons for me, and I think for a lot of people. Especially if you have lived with manipulative, abusive or unpredictable people.  To stay healthy emotionally and physically we need healthy boundaries and a sense of autonomy. Dr. Gabor Maté also talks about this in his book. It can be very helpful to ask yourself if you are doing unnecessary things for others? Are you feeling resentful as you help others? Do you know where your responsibilities end, and where the other person’s responsibilities begin? Basically, do you know where your boundaries lie?

It is a wonderful thing to help someone else when they are burdened, but we don’t need to take on their loads or responsibilities. Now I let God be God for me, and I let God be God for others. I am learning to live and let live. I am learning to let others have the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. It is not my responsibility to protect and shield everyone from discomfort or consequences. Protecting them may be preventing them from a valuable learning experience. I found the “Boundaries” series of books, by Dr.’s Henry Cloud and John Townsend to be very helpful.

To stay healthy, we also need a connection with safe people. “What is a safe person?”, you may ask. A safe person will not jump to conclusions about you, they will not be quick to judge, they will give you permission to be human and still feel lovable, they will speak the truth, and they will allow you to speak your truth as well, and they will want more and better things for your life. If you start to realize that someone is manipulative or unsafe, you can lovingly detach.

As a healthcare professional give me some advice on how to eat healthily?

Eating healthy is a contentious topic! I have my academic studies in nutrition, my ongoing reading of the research, and my personal experience. I have followed so many eating programs myself, and I have seen the results of different eating plans with my patients. I have come to realize that diet is very personal. There is no one plan that is going to work for everyone. There is a lot of dogma out there, and there are a lot of extreme diet systems that are just not sustainable or are just not suitable for everyone or at every stage of life. Sure, a certain diet may cause your complexion to be radiant or your clothes to fit better – but if you can’t form a coherent sentence, or your hair is suddenly falling out, you are not getting enough nutrients. There are so many different diet guidelines out there: eating for your blood type, veganism, vegetarianism, the Paleolithic diet, the raw food diet, the ketogenic diet, low FODMAP diet, low lectin diet, whole food plant-based diet, anti-inflammatory diet, etc. etc.  Each diet guideline may have its merits, but each of us is a product of our genetics, our environment, the eating patterns of our ancestors, and our own past or current illnesses. It can take a lot of trial and error to find out what works for you and your health goals eg. gaining muscle mass, losing fat, regulating blood sugars, reducing seizure frequency, reducing joint inflammation and pain. In a sense, a choice of diet should be mindful, intuitive, and flexible. If you get bloated or exhausted after certain foods or your joints are stiff and painful you may want to make some changes to your diet.  Certain food may be regarded as ‘healthy’, but it may not be healthy for you and your constitution, it may trigger some sensitivities for you. You may want to generally follow a diet plan but modify it for yourself, depending on how you feel. We don’t need rigidity or judgment about diet.

In our home we eat a pesco-vegetarian diet; we eat a lot of plant-based whole foods and have ocean fish about twice per week.  I originally switched to a vegetarian diet 28 years ago, but after a few months found it difficult to concentrate, so I added fish back into my diet. In the past 28 years, there have been two times where I added a little meat back into my diet for a few weeks because I was really feeling depleted and even having dreams about bacon!  So weird!

As a chiropractor, I don’t talk about meal plans very much but mostly give advice about increasing the good fats and oils which have an anti-inflammatory effect and reducing the bad fats which can increase inflammation and pain.

Please talk about the importance of pursuing your passions?

I think it is so important to ask yourself “What did I love doing when I was 10 years old?’”

What was your first passion, before the world got its hands on you? Did you love reading, drumming, writing poetry, gardening, scrapbooking, songwriting, playing guitar, dancing, acting, photography, makeup, making model trains, drawing action heroes, pottery, crochet? As humans, it is in our nature to create; it doesn’t matter if we can make a career of it. We can find affirmation of our sense of Self and we can boost our health through creativity and pursuing a passion. This is especially important for most women, a way of staying connected with the female soul. A long but worthwhile read is “Women Who Run with the Wolves”, by Clarissa Pinkola Estés. Creativity in any form can be therapeutic. It does not have to be pretty, impressive, appreciated, or understood by others. An inspiring read is “Art is a Way of Knowing; A guide to self-knowledge and spiritual fulfillment through creativity”, by Pat B. Allen.

I had loved art from childhood into my twenties, taking art and pottery courses, and painting for many hours at a time.  When I was going through a challenging time in my life a few years ago, I thought about art again, but I thought it was too late to start back, too much time had passed, and I probably didn’t have the ability anymore. I didn’t have time, and I was too busy already. I checked my art supplies and found that most of my old brushes were brittle and wrecked, and my paints had dried up. It would cost hundreds of dollars to re-stock everything. But then that new fire in me, told me “It’s now or never!”.

Obstacles will present themselves. I have learned to expect them, then find a way to deal with then.  It can be difficult to start; I totally get it. I went to the art store to buy supplies. Insecurity set in. I felt ridiculous:  a middle-aged suburban mom, at the art store where all the staff were in their early twenties with facial piercings and edgy outfits. There were new art products and mediums I had never seen before, and I didn’t know how to use them.  But the staff were great and encouraging. I bought new supplies and slowly started painting for a friend. My art skills were so rusty, but I persevered. I felt that I needed even more motivation, so I submitted some of my old art pieces for a local juried art show and got accepted! It was the push I needed to get over my creative hurdle.

So, I made some new paintings, I participated in the art show, I made new friends, I sold three paintings, and I made enough money to cover the cost of the art supplies I had just purchased. Since that time, I have taken three college courses at the Haliburton School of Art and Design and two courses with a local artist whom I admire very much.   I have learned spiritual and life lessons through my art instructors. My daughter and I have held two art shows in our home, inviting many friends and neighbors.  Regardless of whether a painting sells or not, it is wonderful to see a person connect with the art. I am happier and feeling more whole. I have made art on days that I felt completely frustrated, days I felt hurt, and days when I felt overflowing joy. Art has been my therapy and my means of self-expression. Spending time or money on your passion is never wasteful or silly.  Amazing things can happen to your mood and your health when you let go of the need for results, or perfection, or payment in an area of your life – when you do something just for the sake of following your passion.

All artwork copyright of Valerie Fitzpatrick